It stuck. That stupid thought from the beginning of the week has stayed in my head and I cannot seem to shake it. Even though I don’t want it, there is something that keeps me attached to it. I’m running out of the belief that things will ever get better. I don’t know what’s going to help…Nothing’s really inspiring me to make the consistent changes that need to happen. I had at my appointment at the unit this morning and that was all I could say. I don’t know how you can help me anymore. What I was really thinking is at what point do you give up on me? At what point do you decide that this is as good as its ever going to get for me and somehow how I have to learn to live and manage that? I think I’ve been expecting them to give up on me because I kind of have.
Instead after being weighed the subject of going into hospital came up again. Would I consider it? I said that I was hesitant to think of it as an option at this point. I’m trying to think why that is and it’s probably because I don’t feel like I need to or in other words, I don’t think that I’m that unwell. My weight isn’t at a critical point so to go into a treatment centre in the UK is hard because you are around people who are so unwell that it makes you feel like you’re a whale. We don’t have insurance here so we are dependant on the NHS, which in itself is an amazing thing but it also means that we don’t have many specialised Eating Disorder facilities. There is only on in the whole county and that is a 20 bed ward and because resources are in such short supply it is reserved for those who are acutely ill. I don’t feel like I fit that criteria. That’s not me trying to downplay the Anorexia. It is fact based on the numbers. That’s what it comes down to here most of the time. There are people who struggle a ridiculous amount and because they’re BMI’s is 0.1 above the BMI criteria they are not accepted in to the service at all. No outpatients or inpatients. That’s messed up I know…but that is what is right now. I doubt it’ll get better anytime soon either.
I’m going off on a bit of tangent there…
Anyway that was one reason why I’m not inclined to want to go. The other is that I’m going to have go through that process of eating things that scare the shit out of me again. You can’t hide from it there. I think about their menus and having to eat it and it just makes me want to cry. Then I get frustrated because it makes me want to cry and it shouldn’t be like that. I should be fine with whatever they would throw at me. The final point why I don’t want to go is that I just don’t have the time. Going into treatment is really inconvenient and time-consuming. I have a lot of shit to do. I can’t just take a few weeks away from it all. It’s tied in with my work as well. I spend so much time educating people about mental health and talking about recovery that I think that it would feel like I had been lying to them…and I guess in a way I have been.
I am aware that these are all excuses that mean nothing if I let this carry on and it ends up killing me. I have things to lose now and that scares me because the first time I went in, I didn’t. Part of me worries that if I take even the smallest step out of my life then my place in it will cease to exist. I won’t be needed anymore.
So I said I would think about it. See what happens. See if I can maintain this without getting worse. Yet there is the voice of two of my friends saying that if I could have turned it around by now then I would have. If I wait then I’m just letting it get stronger.
I’m confused right now. I don’t know if I can get better or if I can what that would even look like. I don’t know what’s going to help. Basically I have no answers right now.
I hope your day has been kind to you.