I’m ashamed to write that I have been letting Anorexia get into my head…more so than usual these last couple of days. I have retreated from the people around me. Gone quiet and insular. I had this thought of ‘what if I just stopped trying?’ and somehow that thought became me letting go of fighting the voice that hates me and giving into it. In case you were wondering whether or not it does make anything better, going back? It really doesn’t. You see I thought letting go meant that I would get some quiet in my head. I would stop hating so much. I could give from morning till night in a relatively stable manner.
None of that happened.
The moment I stopped then it was like chaos broke out. Suddenly I was obsessively counting numbers, analysing, bargaining, excusing, belittling and just downright putting my mind through hell. Part of me is left thinking ‘well…what not?’ Recovery is proving too difficult, not recovering is just as hellish…how do I live? How do I get through my day this way?
I need something solid to hold on to right now.
I don’t know what that thing is. The future seems abstract rather than something that is dependant on me being healthy. It is important for me to be healthy otherwise I won’t be able to continue with my degree or work the jobs that I want to work. I know it all. I know what I have to do, what I want, what I run the risk of losing and yet I am here…and it still just bloody hurts.
I told my friend last night who also has struggles with food that she would never be able to feel comfortable within her own skin until she let herself maintain a healthy weight for a while. The comfort comes later…the acceptance comes later. I was telling her this and believing it and yet there is still that bit that exists in me that says I am the exception. I should be able to feel comfortable first. I don’t need to get to a healthy weight and maintain it first. The rule doesn’t apply to me.
I’m not sure whether that’s arrogance or delusional. Either way as I type it, I know that it is not logical or real.
One of the things that I was asked to do this week was to keep a food diary. I really struggle with this because writing down what I eat only serves to make me feel more ashamed, however I recognise that it is a tool needed right now so that my therapist can see how things are.
I wish I had more positive news for you. I am aware that this blog has gotten a little negative lately. As always I am trying to be honest with you and what I realising is that this blog is about recovery and recovery is not this one step to the next in an upward motion. Sometimes its frustrating and being stuck and going backwards. Hopefully soon things will start to look that way again.
I hope your day has been good to you.