I did a challenge today that I have been trying to do for months! Sure I could think of all the ways that I made it fit the Anorexia and how I made it safe, but I still did it. I keep thinking that maybe even when I feel like I have nothing left to give, there is still something inside of me that refuses to let me give up on myself. I am not ready to give up on me or my future. I won’t sign myself off for a life that is hurting and hospitals and one sickness after the other. I stopped seeing that I was worthy of recovery and I kept wondering who was I to think that I deserved anything better than what the Eating Disorder could offer me. I’ve been wrong to think that.
The fear of losing my freedom or having to give it up again has unsettled me. Time and time again I have worked too hard to get it back, only to have it gone again. I’m not ready to let that happen. I have to figure out a way to live and by living I mean that I need to find a way to recover. At home and mostly on my own. Surely there is an untapped source of energy that I can call upon right now. It’s just a puzzle that needs solving, right?
Going into treatment the first time was one of the hardest decisions I made, staying in treatment was the hardest. I’m hoping that I can stop whatever this is before I have to make those choices again. I have watched so many people around me get sick again, go back in, get better and continue to repeat the cycle and I have also watched people who just got better. People who are living with the eating disorder only whispering at them rather than screaming. If I can’t have silence then I want that. This semi state of recovery or pseudo recovery, or whatever you want to call it is not a place that I want to be in. It never was and it never will be.
Here’s the thing, we can be pissed at ourselves for losing so much of our lives to the Eating Disorder and we can also be pissed that we aren’t better yet. That’s ok. What isn’t ok is for that to become an excuse to not try anymore. We may all be tired of fighting this battle daily but we are not allowed to give up. It’s not ok to sit back and watch whilst this happens to us and do nothing about it. We are not victims. A victim to me implies powerlessness and I promise that you and me are more powerful than we will ever believe possible.
You can do this.
I hope your day has been kind to you.