Lets have a chat.
It’s been two years since I first sat down and wrote a letter to say goodbye to you. I was ready to end our decade long relationship and find a way to live on my own without you. Yet here you are…still present, still trying to devour my soul and destroy my body. Did I not make it clear enough that you were not wanted? Did you doubt my words or my sincerity? No one made me give you up, no one made me choose between you or myself. Those were my choices. It was me that didn’t want you! I still don’t. You have worked so damn hard to ruin me, to make me reliant on you and believe that without you then life cannot go on. However I know that life can only go on when you no longer hold a place in my head or heart. I thought I needed you but I don’t. I am enough of my own. I am enough.
I admit there are days when the sadness becomes too great and I search for you, seeking safety in the arms who once held me so comfortably. I become unsure, afraid or anything too difficult and I expect you to be prepared with an answer for me. You never fail to be waiting for me but you have been without answers for too long a time now. I wanted you to save me. You couldn’t save me though…you could break me apart but asking you to pick up those pieces and put them back together again was something you was never going to be capable of doing. It took me a long time to see that and maybe it was because I didn’t want to…maybe I didn’t want to believe that the way to fix myself was far more complicated then starving myself. I fell for every line you ever fed me and only I can take responsibility for that. I thought I was and always would be stronger than you and I was far too arrogant to believe that you would never be able to claim any real sense of power. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t stupid enough to get sick but you don’t care how smart a person is…you’ll go after anyone won’t you? You’ll do whatever it takes to make them turn their own thoughts against themselves. How do you do that?
In my first letter I said that I would miss you and I am sure that I would if you gave me the chance to, but I also know that I would never miss you enough to want you back. I don’t cry at the thought of you leaving me, I cry because I worry that you won’t. You weren’t supposed to happen and when you did, you weren’t supposed to stay this long. You took my childhood, my adolescent and the start of my adulthood. You have taken my health and strength and at times all of my hope. Why would I still want you? Haven’t you taken enough yet?
I need you to leave. I need for us to not be a story anymore. If we keep going, if we keep up this relationship then I won’t live. I won’t reach 30. I won’t fall in love. I won’t finish my degree. I won’t travel to random places. I won’t eat just because I want to. I won’t have a family. I won’t have friends.
You are not compatible with life.
You never were. I was just too hurt to really ever see that. I didn’t want life back then. I didn’t want to feel anything and you offered me that. You made my emotions less, you made my dreams less, you made me less. But you couldn’t stop. You didn’t know how.
This has to end Anorexia.
I don’t want to fight you anymore. I don’t want to have to watch my back all the time, terrified that the moment I drop my guard you will be there, waiting to climb back into my life. I don’t need you.
I am beyond trying to shout you down. I know that my voice is not loud enough. I know that you still own too much of a piece of me for me to win those head games you wish for me to engage in. So I am begging you with everything I have left. Let me go! Just let me go. We don’t have to do this anymore.