The last few days have been a little hectic and maybe for the first time in a while I am relieved that is now the weekend. I’ll admit that my body and mind need to get some rest otherwise I’m not going to last much longer. I feel like I’m reaching a breaking point soon, the tiredness overwhelming me and my emotions have completely developed a will of their own. I can’t keep up. I go from compensating with being overly smiley and engaging to tears that I can’t control. It’s confusing mostly.
The Eating Disorder continues to beat me down. I don’t know what it wants from me anymore. Haven’t I given it everything already? Has it taken enough from me? Sometimes something catches me off guard and the sadness that follows makes the ground feel like its completely unstable. For instance last night, I went to a community performance which, in itself was amazing. It was a variety thing, so some sketches, music and dancing etc. I sat there and at some point between several of the dance acts I began to ache for how I once was able to move like that. I used to have the energy to throw myself around and not worry that at any point my body could just fail me. Now I get tired walking up the stairs. I get dizzy in the shower. I can’t catch my breath when I go to the supermarket. It all takes an amount of effort that I have drained from myself. Did I really once believe that being thinner would make me stronger? That it would make me run faster and move quicker? I did. I confused thin with power and strength. By the end of the night I wanted to sit down with all those little dancers and tell them that their bodies are amazing, that they are enough and not too much. I wanted to tell them that an Eating Disorder is never something to want, thin is not something to aspire to. Enjoy your bodies, enjoy how they move and stretch and allow you to express whatever it is that inside of you. Don’t give that up. Don’t let it be taken from you!
I kept hoping that it would motivate me…in fact I’ve looked for motivation in any place I could find this week and yet I still have come up short. On Wednesday at group I got called out. There were truths that needed to be said and I needed to hear any yet somehow still they weren’t enough. I deflected. I avoided. I apologised for doing both and then continued to do them. Why am I doing this?
This morning was my appointment at the unit and it is fair to say that all I could say was that I was stuck. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to move forward or reach my targets. I’m lost in the Anorexia and it fills up all of my senses. There is little room for anything else. She asked me if I had thought of Inpatient…quite honestly it isn’t something that I feel like I could do again. That’s fine for now. They can’t force me. I don’t think I’m at that point of needing to re-enter treatment. I think I just have to be very aware that the possibility of it is not that far away and so if I’m going to get my shit together and make changes then it has to happen very quickly. Not just for my physical health but also because mentally I’m not sure how much longer I can go on living with the Eating Disorder being this brutal on me.
It’s been a difficult week and instead of getting closer to where I want to be, I just appear to be moving further away. However on a positive note, I have finally moved into my new place! It is kind of anxiety provoking but I think it’s just going to be about letting time heal those wounds. It is really good though to have my own space. To do and be as I want to be without feeling like I need to be this performing monkey who has to continuously be switched on. I can let it go…or at least I will be able to as soon as I can let myself relax a little.
It will get easier I’m sure.
I hope your day has been good for you.