Do you ever have those days when everything starts off pretty well, in fact so well that it is pleasantly surprising you a little bit? Everything is kind of going your way, your powering through your to-do lists and feeling rather satisfied with yourself. Then out of nowhere…it just falls apart. That was how my day played out today.
I got so much done this morning. I kicked it all off with the school run and ended up tying up a lot of loose ends that were left over from moving. By 11:30am things were looking pretty damn positive. Mentally things had also shifted a little from yesterday. I was feeling more sure of my decision to choose recovery after reading several blog posts from The Hunger Artist and was coming to realise that it doesn’t matter how long I put it off, it’s still going to hurt, there is never going to be a right time and more importantly it was possible to change despite how long I’ve lived with this. I was in a good headspace.
Then, something started to chip away at that thought.
Coffee turned into a lunch that I couldn’t (wouldn’t) do. I sat there and didn’t order lunch, telling my friends that I would get something later. I did but it’s fair to say that I was disappointed in myself that I couldn’t just do the random decision to eat out.
I shook it of though. Small steps right?
It was hard to ignore the tiredness and aching that was setting in by that point though. It was a struggle to breathe or think. It was an effort to stay on my feet. My chest hurt. I wanted to pack all this in there and then and say it didn’t matter. Nothing about Anorexia mattered and all that did was my health. That was all I wanted…I wanted to be well and feel physically capable of being a person in their mid-twenties. If I could have just held on to that thought…but it slipped out my grasp once again whenever it got too close to put it to the test.
Still, it was ok. I could do better at dinner I thought.
I went home to my new flat thinking that I could at least finally organise the chaos that has been all around me for the last few weeks…but no. The carpet guy seems to be stuck in Germany so will not be able to come till Wednesday! Suddenly I was just really tired and that’s when the tears started. I’m not a crier but it felt like something just snapped inside of me. Every thing that was wrong came out in that moment. The flat, the upheaval of my life, the eating disorder, recovery, the lack of recovery, the continuous effort that it takes to get up each morning and take another step into a world that I an constantly doubting.
It just bloody hurt.
So I came back to my parents. Back to a place that’s getting harder to live in and be in. My family is a mess at the moment and sometimes it feels like we are splitting into people that no longer make up this unit anymore.
I’m not sure how we move forward. I’m not sure how I do either. I just know that I have to. I don’t have it in me to carry on fighting this anymore. I came so close to just running my car off the road tonight and it scared me. I am scaring me.
I hope your day has been good to you.