As predicted I have suffered today. The exhaustion is getting more overwhelming the longer I let this carry on and the damage that I am doing is beginning to take its toll. I’ve been so physically tired that mostly it has made me nauseaus. A headache has not left me at all and to really shove it into pesepctive I have felt like I’m struggling to breathe. How did I let it get to the point where just breathing seems like too much of an effort? I’ve been trying to get a grip on it and finally got back to challenging myself. This happened on Friday lunchtime and afterwards I did that whole 1 minute thing where I have to just notice what I’m thinking and feeling without immediately trying to distract myself from it. It was hard and horrible. I felt untethered, as though my entire self was going to spin up out of my chair and get lost somewhere up in the sky, unable to ever find my feet again. Obviously I didn’t and I must remember that every time I do it. What I also noticed was that although I felt crappy after my challenge, nothing terrible did happen. I didn’t self implode. I didn’t die. It didn’t make me double in size right then and there. All I felt was a little bit sick afterwards, but whether that was more anxiety fuelled then a physical reaction, I couldn’t tell you. Either way by the time dinner came around and I started to worry about that, the lunch issue had been replaced. Therefore it doesn’t last forever…the uncomfortableness that is. It could also quite possibly mean that there is always something that I will find to worry about regardless of what it is. Is it me or just the Eating Disorder trying to scramble around for any bit of power that it can get hold of? Maybe it’s both.
As for yesterday, even though as I said it was a good day, there is nothing like being at a festival to bring home how much an eating disorder restricts you. There were all these foods that I know that I used to like but cannot remember the last time I ever had them. I wanted to just try one thing that scared me but this voice in my head said “No! You’re working. If you eat that and can’t handle it then what are you going to do? There is still a job that needs to be done and you can’t just leave”. So I didn’t. I listened to that voice. On reflection it’s quite possible that was the ED talking rather than an actual rational thought from me. In the end I ate too little, drank too little and ran around like an idiot. Again I was being fuelled by the adrenaline rather than anything substanstial and I hated every minute of it. I used to love that feeling but now…now it just reminds of being ill and I don’t want that kind of reminder.
I have taken it easier on myself today and have spent the afternoon catching up on some work online, so sitting down mainly. I need to be back on my feet tomorrow as my carpets are finally being laid, which means that I can get into my new place, build my furniture and start the process of beginning to settle there. I am still anxious but I just need to not let it get the better of me. As someone told me the other day, “something bad happened to you but that was one thing in all the years that you have lived alone”. I realised how right they were, ok not quite right but that’s a whole separate issue, but you see my (or their) point. I’ve also tried to eat a little better today and bought the other challenge that I plan to do this week from the supermarket.
As low and as shite as I feel today it is not a deterrent from trying to get better. If anything it motivates me more because I realise that I do not want to spend the rest of my life living like this. Taking part in some kind of trade off which means that in order to rise to the demands of one day, I have to give over the next day in order to recover from it. I am restoring my health because being ill means having a miserable existence and before I can even begin to get my mind back from the grip of Anorexia then I have to restore my weight. Unfortunately that’s the order that it has to go in and not me or anyone else can argue or deny that.
I hope your day has been kind to you.