Tonight I am a good tired but every bit of it is worth it. The organisation that I work with was working at a community event today and it was a pretty big set up that we had going on. There was so much to organise and keep track of that for a while the thoughts of the eating disorder lessened. I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to cope, that the difficulty with my mood would ruin it and I wouldn’t be nearly as productive as I’m capable of. That’s where I was yesterday when I went to start setting up and I didn’t like it. I couldn’t raise a smile or pretend to be fine and in the end I just got what needed to be done done and then left. Sometimes it gets overwhelming feeling like I need to be switched on all the time but I realise that no one is putting that pressure on me other than me. I get it into my head that everyone else needs me to be ok regardless of the reality but perhaps that has more to do with me not wanting to even allow a little vulnerability to show. Either way it was a better day and although it felt like I was faking it this morning, by early afternoon things were actually better. My smile seemed more true.
I think tomorrow I will pay for it physically but at this point I don’t even care. It was a good day. It was a successful day. Lets not indulge the Eating Disorder tonight by talking about. I don’t want it to have any more power over today than it already did.
I hope your day has been good to you.