Sometimes I have an appointment at the unit and come away feeling as though I have been hit by a truck. There are other times though when I do end up feeling a little bit more inspired to try. Sticking to yesterdays honesty theme I sat and spoke about how un-hopeful I have felt lately. Is there a point to all this if I can’t make it go away completely? What am I even still doing here? I wanted her to give me guarantees but I should have learnt by now that no one can offer me those. As much as I want this eating disorder gone, I think I am coming to realise that it will never leave me completely. I might reduce it, quieten it, even have it cowering in the shadows but I will never be free from it. Not in the way that I wanted. Somehow I have to make peace with that and not let it paralyse me to the point where I do nothing other than watch it get worse.
I have to stop letting it win.I am going to have to get used to feeling uncomfortable, distressed and unable to cope. I am going to have to stop trying to avoid all those negative feelings because I’m afraid that they will lead me to hurting myself if they become too much. My therapist has set me a challenge this week which is to sit for just one minute after a meal or when I’m feeling terrible and acknowledge what’s happening rather than immediately distract. I will try it but I think it’s pretty clear by now that being still is not something I do very well.
Hopefully it won’t be too overwhelming and if it is then I guess I need to acknowledge that and try to understand why.
I’ve also set some food challenges for the week, although still have to choose two dinner options that I find hard or haven’t done. I’m not sure what to choose and I get that thing where it all seems too much, therefore the only response is to just have nothing.
One good thing really did come out of today though! I got weighed as usual and although it has remained the same, I think it was the first time I’ve ever really felt pleased that the number didn’t go down. For a long time there was that situation of saying “I want to maintain or gain” but then when I stepped on the scale and didn’t see a loss, it just made me horribly unhappy and disappointed in myself. Today I honestly felt relieved and not guilty that the number hadn’t gone down. It didn’t matter as much. Now I just have to change how I think about weight ‘restoration’ – not gain – and maybe I can start to make some progress physically.
I hope your day has been kind to you.