I am trying to get back into the swing again of making my recovery a priority in my life and I’ll be honest it’s a lot harder than I remembered. It’s amazing how quickly you get used to dismissing anything that seems uncomfortable and instead flinging yourself head first into denial. I’ve been listening to what people have been saying but I haven’t really been taking it in. I haven’t been prepared to be challenged. It became too difficult to see the damage I was doing and still feeling as though I am powerless to change it. It seemed an easier option to just close my eyes to it. Pretend and drown it all out. That process was surprisingly easy to remember and that fact unnerves me. I can’t go back to being that person who when they can’t deal just shuts everything down and refuses to acknowledge her pain. I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to figure out how to not do that! Going back is simply a really sad thought. Why would I work so hard to undo it all? It isn’t logical and it’s a complete waste of my time and energy.
So I did what was good for my recovery tonight and went to group. I knew that once I was there and I said what I needed to say I would probably get some honesty in response. I guess that’s what I got. I sat there trying to explain how I didn’t really relish the idea of going to my appointment at the unit tomorrow once again saying to my therapist that I had not met any challenges this week. I am going to sit there, armed with my excuses and justify my actions. Let me be clear, that is not what I want to do. I would rather sit there and tell her what she wants to hear or rather what I want to hear myself say…but I don’t believe in dishonesty. That’s not something I am prepared to do. If the truth hurts then that tells me I need to do something to make the truth something that sits better with me. Anyway I’m getting off track here…back to group. I began to talk about these targets that I had set and the facilitator of the group countered that with the question of whether they were realistic. The Eating Disorder side wanted to scream “No!…Let’s make it easier” but the me that wants recovery knows that they are. I can achieve these goals if I just put my mind to it. I’ve done it before. I know I’m capable. So once we cleared up that they were do-able, she asked me how I was going to get to them, how was I going to break it down? There have been things put into place and yet I haven’t been meeting them. I told her I didn’t know why I hadn’t been meeting them but she didn’t let me get off that easy. She told me I knew and again asked me why. I tried to think, putting the pieces of my thoughts together like a jigsaw puzzle and this is what it came down to.
I tell myself that I don’t need it.
That the thing I am trying to add or increase is extra.
I tell myself that I have been fine without it.
Then I tell myself I will do it tomorrow.
Why don’t I need it?
Because despite what other people say or what the scales say, there is still the belief that exits that I don’t actually need to gain weight.
I’m too fat to need to gain weight.
I feel kind of in despair tonight and how I change those thoughts.
Tomorrow I have my appointment. Hopefully I can salvage something of tonight and at least try to write that meal plan I was supposed to write all week.
I hope the day has been good to you.