I have become the very definition of tired. It is in me and it is making everything hurt. I have been expecting this to happen though. I’m in the middle of a home move and as you know if you have ever moved home, it is an extremely stressful experience. It’s not just the physical aspect of packing up and carrying boxes from houses to cars and back again, but the time consuming and frustrating task of changing your address on everything or closing accounts. I think companies sometimes like to make it difficult for you to get stuff done by putting you on hold or using those awful automated services. A call which should take two minutes turns in to 25 and as those minutes slip by, I’m imagining what my next phone bill would be. This could all be avoided if I could just talk to a human and not a machine. However I am making progress and all my stuff has been moved, all relevant companies informed and the only painting I have left to do is in the bedroom. The only thing that is putting things behind my schedule is that I have to wait for a new carpet to be fitted next week.
Then I move in.
I go home.
I haven’t said those words since April and as terrifying as me going back to being on my own again, I need it to happen. I need to be me again and I can’t do that here at my parents house. The only thing that has made these last months more bearable has been the knowledge that at some point I would be deifninitley leaving. I was not and cannot ever drop anchor here. It’s not my space to do so.
I am lucky though because I do have parents who if I made that choice would try to facilitate it for as long as they could. The way I left when I was 19 was not good and sometimes it feels like they have been trying to make up for that. I want to tell them that there is nothing to make up for but we don’t have those kind of conversations. My Mum actually gets offended and tries to rewrite history. She tells herself that she never kicked me out and that it was me that wanted to get out, that’s why I left. That’s partly true. I did want out. I was suffocating here and everyday I got sicker, more unstable. It wasn’t good for me and it certainly wasn’t good for my little brother. We stood in the smoking area of the psychiatric hospital I was detained at and she told me that I couldn’t come back. She couldn’t do it anymore, she couldn’t walk into my room on a morning and not know whether she was going to find my dead. I understood. There was never any anger about the situation. It was what it was. Probably more than anything I was grateful.
After I left we did begin to get on better because we saw each other less. These last couple of months have pushed that once established balance to it’s limit and although we have survived it still on speaking terms, I know that it wouldn’t last for much longer. It’s time.
There are things that I have to do which are important for me and I can’t do them here because here I make excuses. I realised that today when I had my appointment at the unit. It had been over three weeks since I’d last seen her and when she asked me how my goals were going, I had to admit that I didn’t even know what those goals were anymore. They had kind of gone out the window a couple of weeks back and as much as I tried to tell myself that I was getting a grip on them or that I’d do them tomorrow, they were just excuses. I have been delaying what I need to do and I’m unsure of the reasons at the moment. I guess some of it was that I just wanted to feel comfortable and secure in myself again and when I’m challenging the ED, those experiences are non existent. Yet the only way I am ever going to recover is to experience those difficult things.
Therefore I am fully intending to get back to my challenges this week. No more excuses. No more pretending that I’m doing fine whilst watching myself disappear again. I’m not doing it. I won’t. My first priority is to write a meal plan. It would be great if I could eat intuitively and I’m sure one day that will come but for the time being structure is going to be what is most helpful. After that, name the challenges and meet them. Simple. I have this.
I hope your day has been kind to you.