This morning I had a meeting about one of my projects and I’ll admit that my head wasn’t really in it. It hasn’t been in much of anything these last couple of weeks. It’s as though there is a disconnection that is taking place between me and the rest of the world. I recognise it and try to correct it but for some reason I can’t make it stick. However I did start to think about why this was happening this afternoon and one of the things that I came up with was that maybe I am afraid to let myself be happy or feel anything positive. I wondered if all I can ever hope for is to be stable (I hate that word) because then at least then I can function and nothing disastrous will happen. If I’m not happy then nothing can hurt me right? Nothing can go wrong. Bad things will stop happening. My heart screams don’t go there because somehow I have equated being happy with feeling vulnerable. I worry about dropping my guard, not being alert, not being so aware of everything that is happening around me. I worry about becoming careless. That’s a ridiculous thing though to be worried about because that’s what I want. I want to not care. I want that compression and heaviness that weighs down on my chest to lift so that I can just breathe.
I think I’m an unhappy person who was meant to be happy. It feels more natural to me when I’m smiling and laughing and yet I do it so rarely. If it was simply down to just choosing your emotions it would make life so much simpler. Unfortunately none of us really have that choice. You feel what you feel whether you like it or not.
There are things though that can be done that are going to influence the outcome of my emotions. Although I can’t do much about the fear or my moods, I can challenge the eating disorder which is making me terribly miserable. I can fight off the voices which alter my actions. I can stick to my routine and I can stay connected to my friends. I have to not give up on myself. It is something I say to other people and maybe it is time that I started listening to those words myself. I’m worth fighting for. My happiness cannot and should not be dismissed by me.
I’m in a very odd and place tonight although it is actually surprisingly positive.
I hope your day has been good to you.