Something isn’t right but I’m not sure what or how to describe it. I feel empty and a little bit bitter. It flared up strongly yesterday when I realised how irritated and mean I got with people after a moment of being afraid. It seems that fear is making me into a person who isn’t very nice. I think it might have something to do with feeling powerless and me needing to find a way to reassert that power, the problem with that though is that the only place I feel comfortable enough to do that is usually in a very public place or with people who I know. I’m hoping that it either goes away very soon or I stop being scared. I’m not sure which direction that that is going to go in.
At the moment I feel more afraid than ever. I got the keys to my new place today. This news is wonderful and exciting and exactly what I have been waiting for ever since I arrived at my parents place. It’s my peace and quiet being handed back to me and I have missed that. Yet I’m not excited or happy or any of the other feelings that I thought I would be feeling. Instead all I can seem to focus on is the anxiety wrestling inside of me. I know that it will get easier with time and that I need to get used to being on my own again but for now all I seem to be able to focus on is all the things that can go wrong. I have lost count of how many times I have relieved that moment especially in the last few days as the moving date got closer. I want my life back from these thoughts which are turning me inside out. The only thing that has made it easier today is I had a doctor’s appointment this morning and he told me that when his family got burgled his wife wouldn’t be in the house alone for 6 months…but that in time and moving house it did get better. I have to keep holding on to that thought.
As well as chatting to my doctor about that, we also talked about some ongoing health complaints that I’ve got going on – which are never-ending even when you consider yourself to be recovering. The main one that I think I may have mentioned on here is the loss of feeling in my limbs I get which can lead my legs giving out from underneath me and the joint pains which can be horrible at times. There are a couple of things that he needs to check out and seen as though I’m due my monthly blood test (2 months late), it seems like getting them done now (next week) is a good idea. One of the things he wants to check out is my thyroid function as it hasn’t been done in over a year. I have had an underactive thyroid since I was 13 and have managed to keep it to the levels it needs to be for the last couple of years. If that has changed and my medication needs tweaking then all this may be an easy fix. The other thing though that he wants to check for is Arthritis. This thought is quite terrifying. I’m in my mid-twenties and the idea that this could be an issue is not one that pleases me. My Mum told me that I have enough to worry about and that I shouldn’t think about it because there isn’t anything I can do till I know, but you know I’m still going to be worried about it. I should get the results in a couple of weeks and go for further examinations. I can’t help but think that if it is, did I cause it? Is that another crappy consequence of something that I’ve done to myself?
I guess I’m a little overwhelmed today. I have people to turn to and yet I don’t feel like I can. I don’t know how to say those words out loud. What if I fall part? I don’t have time for that.