How could this happen to us?
I think that’s the question that I ask myself a lot! It’s one that I can also never come up with an answer to either. Sure I can find the factors which may have contributed to it. I could even make them link up in some kind of logical way…but that isn’t the answer I’m looking for.
What I want to know is How! How did we begin as beings with the same inbuilt survival mechanisms as everybody else and somehow then turn on ourselves? How did we overthrow nature? How did we ever form the belief that starving ourselves to death was the thing that was going to save us, the thing that was going to give us the strength that we needed in order to live? How did we go from children who had potential, who were smart, had the chance of a future and yet give it all up for some image that we believed better than anything else in the world, including our family and dreams? How did we develop a hatred so deep that we probably wouldn’t even feel towards our worst enemies and turn that inwards?
I don’t have an answer to these questions. I don’t have the information that will tell me how this happened or how we make it stop, or even how we stop it happening to someone else. I want to know how I lost a large part of my life to Anorexia and how I ever thought that that was ok!
Doesn’t it just get to you sometimes? The reality that this attack is happening inside of you and you can’t escape that. You can’t turn it off. It doesn’t matter that you never agreed to engage in this war. You are in it, you are fighting because if you don’t…if you don’t, well, then what? You slowly waste away till your nothing, till your heart gives up, till you don’t even know the sound of your own voice anymore because the energy to talk is far more than you have to give.
How did we become these people? How did we get unwell?
I genuinely want to know.
Yet I want to know only for my own piece of mind. It is not knowledge that I need in order to get my life back. It is not knowledge which holds the key to unlocking my own potential to recover. The how for that doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that I have the capability to do so. I have the drive to live again. I have the desire to be more than a shell, incapable of emotion or thinking at a higher level. Despite all the terrible things that Anorexia brought with it, it also brought some good things to do. It taught me that my body is a hell of a lot stronger than I gave it credit it for. That I can push it further than I ever thought and still it is hesitant to give up on me – although that doesn’t mean that it won’t. It has taught me that I am stubborn beyond what I originally thought I was, that I can bend without breaking, that I can adapt and learn a new way of existing. It has taught me that if I have a belief (admittedly the Anorexia gave me a distorted belief) then I it within me to do anything I can to pursue it and that I am prepared to give up everything for it. I have the belief now that I can kick the crap out of Anorexia and it’s presence in my life will cease to exist. I have the belief that I am stronger than any damn disorder which tells me that I am unworthy and deserve to feel like hell. I have the belief that I can get better and be better.
This point that I am at now has taken me a long time to get to because the entire time from admitting that I was unwell to getting help and then deciding to choose recover was met with resistance. I wanted to fight anything that told me I had fallen to an Eating Disorder because in my mind I didn’t understand how I could. I thought I was different. I’m not. For all of our differences and for all the whys that has led us to this point there is something that connects us. That’s where I think the flaw in the eating disorder lays…this connection, this common hatred, fear and sadness for and about the eating disorder will be the thing that brings us together to take it down once and for all.
My path to sickness was a very lonely one. My path towards recovery has been anything but. Maybe that’s why I blog…to make it clear that I am not alone anymore and neither is anyone else who chooses to fight this thing too. We have to do the hard work ourselves, we have to feel it alone, but we are not alone. Not anymore.
I hope you are being kind to yourselves today.