There are some days when I really dislike this whole being a human thing and experiencing emotions. I don’t know what to do with my feelings most of the time and going to my default setting of ignoring them through behaviours doesn’t seem like it’s going to be a very good idea. It’s not that what I am feeling is particularly painful, just wrong. I feel on the outside or out of sync…I guess it’s difficult to explain. All I know is that I have all this stuff that I need to do and yet the thought of staying in bed and hiding under the blankets seems so much more appealing. That in itself is not an unusual thing for anyone to go through but what I find weird about it is that I am letting it stop me from doing what I need to do. I didn’t go into work the other day, my inbox is filled with half read messages that I keep meaning to go back to and I’ve bailed on group for the last 3 weeks in a row. I was supposed to go last night but all I could think was how unappealing it looked to me to go sit in a room for an hour and talk about something that I didn’t want to talk about. I didn’t want to be challenged. I hate how familiar the whole thought process that I’m in now seems. When it gets hard for me this is what I do; I back away from the people in my real life or the people that know anything about eating disorders. Maybe I don’t lie outright to their faces but I take the discussion off the table. I can’t sit there and say it’s all fine, yet know that my weight is continuing to drop. It has been dropping since before I went away…and being away, well I guess I may have been a hell of a lot more restrictive than I thought and yet I am still feeling the need to compensate now. Damn it! I’m supposed to be gaining weight and freeing myself from this shitty messy but I just screw myself over every time. When does it end? When do I get to be enough and not have to feel like I have to make up for my existence by forcing my body into a shape that it isn’t meant to be? I know I’m not at my set point. I know that despite what the voice in my head and the reflection of the mirror tells me, that this body that I am living in is not the one that is natural to me.
Can I just stop. Please…just let me bloody stop!
I’m also getting ridiculously anxious about moving back into my own place. Don’t get me wrong I want it. I want it so badly that it makes me want to cry a little but I’m also scared. I’m scared that this world can be a terrible place and shitty things happen and I won’t always be able to protect myself. I’m scared that something terrible will happen. I’m scared that I’m going to let my fear win, and that every howl of the wind or knock on the door is going to send me into some kind of panic attack that I won’t be able to recover from. I can’t even say this all out loud because I feel ridiculous for feeling it or thinking it. I’m a grown woman for goodness sake. I should be able to handle this. I think the night in Paris has unsettled me more than I realised. I went back to the old flat today and although my parents were already inside, I stood on the pavement in front of my car, clutching hold of my keys and I didn’t know if my legs would carry me to the front door because they were shaking so much. I felt sick and my heart hurt. Will I ever go back to normal? Or at least what I passed off as normal before?
I realise I’m just dumping a crap load of stuff on here right now and I admit that it’s hard to see the positive in anything when I have this rising hysteria going on. I just want a life that isn’t dictated by something or someone else and no matter how much it feels like I try, I just can’t seem to reach it. Have you ever seen Girl, Interrupted? There is a moment in it, a quote when Valerie says
You are a lazy, self-indulgent, little girl, who is making herself crazy.
. There are days, like today, when I feel exactly like that. That I am that girl who is making herself crazy.
Here is hoping that tomorrow I get myself out of this whole self-pity thing I have going on at the moment.
I hope you have been good to yourselves today.