My time away has certainly caught up with me today and although it’s not been the most pleasant of days, I do not regret a single thing. Ok, maybe I regret not having enough courage to eat the croissants or crepes but I guess that will come eventually. I guess if I think about it, me having those regrets is actually a good thing…I mean there was a time when that thought would never have entered my mind. Progress right? Mostly I just feel exhausted and somewhat dehydrated, therefore it seemed like a good idea today to not go into the office and rest instead. That was a hard call to make but in all honesty I probably wouldn’t have been much use there either. Hopefully tomorrow I shall be back on form and ready to go, or at least feel like my body isn’t throwing a massive tantrum. It reminds me that there I am still quite far away from undoing the damage that I have done with the eating disorder yet I am determined to fix that.
Paris has shown me or reminded me how much more to life there is than this disorder. It has shown me that all that effort, time, money, energy and whatever else I gave over to it was seriously not worth it. If I want to have experiences like this than there isn’t room for both. I can’t find happiness and be Anorexic…maybe some people can but it’s just not going to work for me.
I will recover, even if it takes me beyond anything I thought I was capable of doing, even if it takes me longer than I want. One day I will crack it. One day I will be free.
I hope you have all been kind to yourselves today.