My anxiety is a little bit unbearable tonight and I’m not sure why it’s getting like this but it’s making me feel unsure and panicky. This really cannot happen either as my Parents have gone away and I’m looking after my little brother so I have to remain in control and not scare the shit out of him by having a panic attack. I’m trying to calm myself down by reminding myself that all the things that I am feeling, all the physical sensations are purely anxiety. The tight chest, shortness of breath, the rushing in my head, the palpitations…these are all common symptoms. It’s just happening now because…I’m alone.
Oh my goodness.
I don’t want to admit that.
I haven’t really been talking about the fear that’s been hounding me daily on here for a while. There is a part of me that wanted to shut it down by pretending that it wasn’t happening and that I wasn’t feeling it but I guess at some point that mechanism will only work for so long. Ever since the attack I’ve become this person who is fearful all the time. I don’t trust people. I don’t trust that bad things won’t happen in the dark. I don’t trust that there isn’t someone else waiting round the corner to get me. The flashbacks are not as present anymore which I am grateful for but I can’t still the noise that makes me afraid of my own shadow. I tell myself all the time that I should be over it but the moment when all the safety nets go I begin to struggle. All my life I have been one of those person who has refused to ever need or depend on anyone. I have lived alone, travelled alone, wandered through inner city streets alone (stupid idea) and not once did it bother me but now, the thought of one night alone makes me struggle to breathe.
How am I going to manage when I move in to my new place? How am I going to not become paralysed by my fear? I feel pathetic for thinking it so I know I can’t talk about it, at least not properly or without dismissing it. This idea keeps playing round in my head that the previous tenants will keep a spare key and come back one night to hurt me or the landlord could be dangerous or what about the neighbours? I’m becoming suspicious about everyone.
It also unfortunately extends to Paris.
Don’t get me wrong…I am ridiculously excited about tomorrow! I am going to get to spend 4 days hanging out with my best friends, in a beautiful city and not have one single expectation or commitment that I am supposed to meet. I can wander and explore and make discoveries. I can write and laugh and read and walk to my heart bloody finds some contentment. It will be amazing. It will be wonderful.
Yet I am also afraid. Afraid that the studio won’t be secure or that someone will come in the middle of the night. I’m scared about flying and eating and getting lost. I tell myself that nothing bad will happen. I’ve read the reviews of the place and I’m going to be with my friend. Logically I know it will be fine but still there is that part of my brain that doubts. Then I hate myself for doubting and want it to stop, only I can’t make it stop.
The anxiety gets to the point where it begins to take over everything to ridiculous proportions, like for example this morning I tried a new face cream that I had bought, then convinced myself I may have an allergic reaction and went and washed it off. For the hours that followed, I was waiting for something to happen. I knew it was stupid even when I was doing it but the anxiety won.
I don’t know what I’m asking for here. I’m not sure what I expect anyone to say which I don’t already tell myself but I think anything would help right now. I need to calm down and get through till it stops being hard, even though I’m not sure when that will be.
Ok. I now need to stop this chain of negativity and just let myself feel only the excitement.
This time tomorrow I will be Paris with people I adore and troubles that will hopefully suddenly seem insignificant. I refuse to take all of this with me across the channel. I refuse to let my mind take something else that is beautiful and twist it into something poisonous. It’s had too much already. It’s not having this.