My sister is having a boy!!!
I really thought it was going to be a girl but nope I was wrong on this one. I saw his little heartbeat and his leg kicking out and I’m not sure if an ultrasound picture can possibly be cute, but it came pretty damn close. Now, you may be thinking that this mushy, baby-loving talk is not quite like me and you’d be right in thinking that. I guess something is shifting inside of me. Maybe it’s growing up or maybe I am just thawing. I am not the shell of a person that I once was. I am not emotionally dead anymore. That still takes some getting used to. It scares me a little though too when I think about how fragile everything becomes when things start to matter to you. Anorexia takes that away from you. Family, friends, work…it all loses your primary attention. It becomes second string to that overwhelming need to lessen yourself. It strikes me now how I gave up all the things that were supposed to make me happy in order to chase some abstract idea that changing my shape would ease the unhappiness instead. How did I ever make that leap from one thought to another?
Why did I let everything become so unimportant? How could I?
There are times now when I think about how I can undo that. I try to figure out how to turn myself into a person who hadn’t done the damage that I have done. The horrible realisation is that I can’t. It would be easy to beat myself up over the belief that I have wasted half my life on a battle that doesn’t really matter, but the truth is that that battle did matter. For all the crushing lows that I went through, I did learn a hell of a lot. I learnt that there is a type of person that I don’t want to be. I learnt that I have something inside of me that although may get fractured every now and again, I have the potential to heal and I’ve learnt that when I think I can’t go any further, I can.
Most of my relationships are beginning to strengthen again and through that people are surprising me. I am surprised that I am loved enough that they didn’t all abandon me forever. It shocks me when I think of how cruel and self involved I was at times that I have not been abandoned completely. I know I wasn’t cruel in the sense that I was malicious or anything but I was willing to walk away from anyone who dared challenge me or the disorder. People knew that and so they kept their concerns in check. I made them sit and watch as I destroyed myself and took away their power to do anything about it. I’m trying to repair that but I know that I have a long way to go before people can begin to see me separately from Anorexia. I have to give them reason to believe that we are no longer playing for the same team and that I want it gone even more than they do. However I know that my actions are what they are going to believe and until I no longer let the disorder sit at the dinner table with me then I imagine that they are going to have their reservations.
Recovery is never just about the body. It is the restoration or creation of something that makes you want to get up every day. It’s waking up at all.
I hope you have shown yourselves some kindness today.