It’s been a bit of a weird day today.
It started off fairly disheartening as I made my way to the unit this morning for my appointment with my therapist. I guess the struggles that I’ve been facing and tiredness that has come from that showed more than I would have liked. We talked about it though and I voiced this fear that I have that I’m still going to be sitting here in 5 years time, scared of the same stuff and thinking the same things. I told her I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to live like this forever. It helped I think in the sense that it made me feel a little less alone with it. We eventually decided that maybe it was a good idea that we put a time frame in place for a goal that I wanted to reach. I think it was the right thing to do although she told me not to panic and think that she meant giving up on me or discharge. So I have chosen the end of September to reach a goal weight which is healthier than what I’m at now and it is an achievable and realistic number. The trick is going to be remembering that when the Eating Disorder tries to pull me back in. I need to choose some new challenges this week because my mind went blank in my appointment when trying to choose something but hopefully I can come up with something in the next day and create a meal plan (I need to implement some structure). However, I am not going to be seeing her now for around 3 weeks as I’m away and then afterwards she’s on annual leave. That’s 3 weeks without a weigh in and being my own source of support to keep me on track and not let the Anorexic voice drown me. I can do this, can’t I?
The rest of the afternoon passed pretty uneventfully and I managed to get the interior of my car cleaned – it was in desperate need – and finished the last season of Gossip Girl before going to see my CPN. It’s hard getting back on track when there has been a gap and I struggled to think how I could fill her in on the last few weeks. Either I was too tired to care anymore or those moments that seemed terrible at the time actually did lessen in importance and intensity over time. Perhaps there is a lesson or realisation in that?
The good news though is that I got my results in for last semesters essays and exams and I am pleased – kind of proud too – to let you know that I got 1sts in all of them. I really wasn’t expecting it because I know that exams are not my strong point but I did it. I passed the first year. Despite everything that has happened I did it and I guess for all my determination and fighting talk there was a part of me that didn’t think I could. I probably should stop doubting myself so much.
So I was happy about that and I am still happy but obviously there are moments that cannot be left marked by something else. Tonight’s mark hit when I was sat watching the news during dinner. There was a report on about an elderly man who had been attacked on his doorstep, before being dragged into his house and burgled. The CCTV from his own cameras was absolutely sickening to watch and I wondered how horrible a person has to be to target an elderly man living alone. As the report came to an end though it gave out the street that it happened in and guess what? It was the same street that I live(d) on when I was attacked. It was actually 4 nights afterwards and pretty much at the same time in the night. There is something in me that asks if it is possible that these individuals were the same people. Of course my family is fuming and are convinced that it is the same people and also believe that if the police had not dismissed me because of my Mental Health problems, if they had talked to the people in the street and put my neighbours on alert then maybe…I don’t know. Maybe there would have been a different outcome. It’s hard to know isn’t it though?
Either way all I know is that there are shit people that exist in this world.
It’s been a conflicting day with emotions that don’t really seem to go hand in hand. Hopefully by tomorrow my mind will choose to stick with one or similar emotions.
I hope you guys have been kind to yourselves today and that you have some fun things planned for the weekend. I will be seeing my niece/nephew (will find out the sex tomorrow) for the first time.