For some reason there is exhaustion in my bones today. Maybe it is the weekend catching up with me? I’m not sure but I can’t help but think that if I didn’t have an eating disorder then I might have a little more energy to work with. That in itself should be motivation enough to rise to the challenges that I’ve set for this week and build on this whole recovery process. Yet for some reason it is now Wednesday evening and I have yet to do the three food challenges for this week and two of them are a continuation from last week which I also failed to do. I’m getting in my own way at this point, letting the voices that constantly tell me that my body is too large to justify eating get in the way. Does it ever end? Does it ever not matter anymore?
I see the people who I went through recovery with and for some of them it doesn’t matter anymore and I hate myself for not being able to commit myself like that. I want it in my mind but clearly by my actions I don’t want it enough. That’s pretty crappy to admit to. I could live with not being able to love myself, I could live with a little insecurity, a little disgust but can I really live with not even being ok with myself? Because that’s all that will happen if I don’t figure it out and put this disorder behind me. As long as I hold on then I won’t ever know peace. I know that. Logically.
Believing it though…That’s the hard part.
I would love to get dressed in the morning and get on with my day. However at the moment, I pull items from the wardrobe, put them on, take them off, add something, remove something else…repeat and repeat until the clock is against me and I have to have breakfast and leave the house. If there is time though between breakfast and leaving the house, the likelihood is that I will probably get changed again. Afterwards I will spend the rest of the day, doubting my choices, wishing that I’d gone with the first option and trying not to cry because the top that I’m wearing clings a little too much to my stomach. It’s the most useless process. It has no value and yet it continues. How do we do that as humans? Know that something is making us miserable and still carry on doing and thinking the same thing. It just makes no sense and it infuriates me that I can’t make it make sense.
I feel like I’m stuck in some kind of endless cycle that see’s me getting so far and then retreating. If I’m not stuck on the disordered thoughts then I’m stuck on the mood stuff and somehow those two things keep me burning with something that makes it very uncomfortable to exist sometimes. That sounds very dark doesn’t it? I don’t mean it to. At least not in that way. I am grateful to be alive and there isn’t something inside of me that is continuously telling me that it would be better off if I was dead. That is not the case at all. Sure I get the suicidal thoughts sometimes but it’s more of a tiredness thing rather than a genuine desire to not want to exist anymore. I probably went into a little more detail than I was intending too there. It’s just that there is this conflict inside of me which I am trying to figure out how to verbalise but I’m still not quite sure how to do that. I’m still not quite sure what I want or maybe I am but I just don’t know if that that is achievable which is the thing that fuels the doubt.
Deep down, more than anything I know what I crave and it is not an ideal body. It is not to look beautiful or take up less space. It is recovery. Fully, whole heatedly and without reservation.
Ok I’ve convinced myself.
Tomorrow I am going to do one of my food challenges. No excuses. I am know making myself accountable to you.
I hope you are being kind to yourselves today.