The last few days have been a little bit of a blur and it feels like I have spent most of the day either trying to play catch up and make time to see/call people. I’m not organised at all and I don’t like that feeling. I get that it is always going to be an outcome when I decide to take some time away. Plus I always forget to factor in that there is a good chance that even if I do schedule the timing right, my inability to say no to things is going to eat away at big chunks of my day when I return.
Let me just give you a brief update of the way my world currently looks right now. When I last wrote I was feeling pretty beat and it was my own fault. I had the most horrendous lunch out in which I meticulously went through what I wanted with the waitress, then they sent the wrong thing entirely and I sent it back, and then they sent another thing which had all the things in it that I didn’t want. I managed a couple of bites before giving it up and tried to control my anxiety. I was so pissed at myself though because this was the first time I have ever eaten in front of a really good friend of mine and I wanted to just do it! We’ve been friends since 2009 and one of the things he has always wanted was to just have lunch with me and I fucked it up. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but damn it…I wanted that win. By the time I got back to my parents that night, lots of other little things had got to me and I was ready to blow a fuse. Thankfully my mother had ordered 3 tonnes of slate which needed shovelling out of backs from the front garden and wheel-barrowed in to the back. At first she kept telling me to take a break, to be careful, to not hurt myself. It was worry on her behalf and I could see that but it was also irritating. I eventually told her “I know my own body. I know how far I can push it”. Then we just got into it and the hours passed. Mentally it worked wonders and I felt so much better, even to the point where I seriously considered putting manual labour into my care plan. Afterwards however was a different story. I had my dinner, showered and then settled down to get some work done and write on here…but I couldn’t focus. I felt sick and dizzy. I was shaking. One minute I was hot then not. In my head I was considering that maybe my blood sugars were dropping but then I dismissed that because I had had my dinner and truthfully the eating disorder part of my brain was telling me that even if they were the cause of me feeling crappy then there was nothing I could do about it. It was unacceptable and unnecessary to have something else before my supper. Stupidly I listened to that part and waited. In hindsight it was probably that because once I’d had supper, I did feel physically better and only had my (normal reaction) aching limbs to contend with.
The following the day I was back at the unit for my session and weigh in. I was struggling and I have continued that way pretty much all weekend. I’m getting so tired of Anorexia but for some reason have had moments where I feel completely powerless to it…or maybe resigned it the right word. I attempted to convey that but instead it drives me further into isolating myself. I get caught up in talking about anything else or being silent, that the disorder has space and time to multiply in my mind. When will I learn that if I’m not actively fighting then it gets stronger? If I let things slide then it gets louder? I’m trying seem like such inadequate words.
I did decide to go away for the weekend though which was probably more stressful than enjoyable. I knew I should have gone alone rather than with my Mum and brother but it is what it is. I went to stay with an aunt and usually that space has been a place that I have always found a sense of peace with the world around me. Yet there was no peace, just more noise and arguments as my brothers withdrawal from his x-box and my mothers withdrawal from antidepressants (not intentional – she forgot to refill her prescription) began to take their toll. It was hard work rather than restful. Also it was the first time that I’ve really spent a good few days staying with my aunt since before treatment and the worst of Anorexia took hold. I was anxious about it even though I knew that she would be totally fine with the way I need things to be. I did keep it together though. I planned and stuck to my meals. I also went out for lunch with them on the Monday and instead of ordering dry toast because everything else scared me, I actually ordered something relatively decent. I was pretty proud of that moment. We got back late yesterday afternoon after driving through pretty terrible weather conditions and doing a supermarket run. Needless to say we were already to rip one another’s heads off. Thankfully I was heading round to my best friends straight after to plan PARIS!!!
Which is now planned 😀
Last night we booked our flights and found a place to stay. We went through all the things we wanted to do and see. The thing is just going through this process of preparing has really helped me keep some positivity in my life and reconnect with my best friend. It’s making me feel more grounded, less like that my decision to recover was a bad one. I want this to be an amazing experience and I don’t think I’ve been excited about something like this for such a long time. I think it’s a good sign. I leave in 8 days. 8 days and I can just be some random person with my people, being young and having an amazing time.
This is what recovery is about. Living. Having the energy to live. Not merely existing which is all you can ever do with an Eating Disorder. I must remember that when I prepare to complete my challenges this week.
I hope you have all been good to yourselves.