Last night I opened up the new post page with the intention of writing and yet when it came down to it I realised that I had nothing to say, at least nothing that was new or original. I don’t think I ever realised just how repetitive this eating disorder cycle can be. It’s always the same isn’t it? or at least until you make an active effort to change things and for all of my fighting words there has been something that has been lacking. I think I lost the spark that I needed in order to stay motivated in my recovery. I can’t say that I’ve been that surprised. My life currently feels as though it’s in some kind of free fall and the lack of structure of a very early summer has left me some what at a loss. However, even as I type I know these are simply more excuses, things to justify why I’m allowed to hold on to Anorexia. Maybe I stopped trying so hard because I thought that this was it, this…my current state was as good as it was going to get and somehow fighting to stay here seemed ridiculous. I kept thinking that if I relapsed now then it wouldn’t be so bad. It would be understandable, wouldn’t it? I tried but it wasn’t good enough therefore I’m allowed to let myself slip back into behaviour that will eventually kill me.
Is that really what I want?
I’ve been saying that I am prepared to do whatever it takes to recover and yet when it comes down to it I haven’t been prepared. I have squirmed and struggled, meeting expectations with compromises and convincing myself that somehow my disorder is not that ‘bad’ or ‘serious’ than another persons, therefore behaviours that I would not encourage in other people who are recovering, I see as perfectly acceptable when it comes to me. I can’t keep freaking out over every difficult thing that comes my way nor can I be willing to walk away from it so easily when my weight or body image becomes something that seems unbearable. How will I ever be ok with reaching a healthy weight when I want to immediately undo the progress that I’ve made? When I want to meet a weight gain with a weight loss. It makes no sense. All I’m doing is making a hard process even harder for myself. It has got to end.
This morning I thought to myself that I can’t do this. Everything, including myself has felt wrong and somehow that has translated as excessive. As always the leap that my mind takes in order to remedy this is to restrict…and with every little thing (there has been a lot) that has gone wrong today, it just drove me further into a spiral of self hate. It finally got to about 6pm and in all honesty I was ready to call it a day. Not just for the day itself but this whole damn struggle. I didn’t want to care anymore or be torn or be this person who has become angry and bitter again. Yes I was wallowing and having a massive pity party but it didn’t matter. I think hopelessness was pretty much the overwhelming emotion at that point.
Obviously I didn’t just arrive at that point randomly. It’s been building and it’s happening faster because of my current environment. I’m not saying that’s a reason for it because it’s not. The reason is me. I cannot deny that I have been in some desperate need of something good. After the attack, cancelling Rome and the instability of my mood and thought patterns (not ED related) it has felt like everything has been slipping away from me. I have felt like I’ve been losing the person that I’ve been trying so hard to build. I don’t want that and neither does anyone else. I am fully aware that my actions impact other people and if I did stop fighting, it would not just be me left devastated but my family and friends. It would hurt them beyond words. I think I’ve hurt them enough. I think I’ve hurt myself enough. Luckily I do have some amazing people in my life and it was my best friend tonight who has given me the ability to gain some distance and see how much I don’t want Anorexia in my life anymore. I’ve introduced you to my friend before (my person) and without fail when I’m with her I always begin to feel a little less alone. We met for a drink and she sprung on me that she was meeting our other best friend (who has been travelling for years) in Paris in a couple of weeks and was I coming? At first I was stunned. How can I just up and go to Paris? Can I afford that? Can I do that? How will I ever manage food? (Yes I am ashamed that that was one of my first thoughts)…but you know what? Fuck It. The last time I went away with my friends was years ago and we need this. We both need to get out of this country, reconnect, have fun, just be around each other and explore a new place. So yea…I’m going to go to Paris! I’m going to get back into my recovery head space. I’m going to stop letting it win. I am going to try to manage my anxiety and body image. It gets easier but it will only get easier if I allow myself the time to get used to it.
I have to keep going, don’t I?
I hope you guys are being good to yourselves and someone tell me good things to go and see in Paris!