I have been in a bad mood all afternoon and I recognise that it has not made me the most pleasant person to be around. The world seems to have frustrated me every time I attempted to interact with it and so in response I spent most of the day inside choosing Netflix as my armour to stop people from talking to me. It worked mostly but it has not gone unnoticed. My mother kept asking what was wrong but there is no answer to that question. How do I explain that some days the Eating Disorder is harder to ignore? That the voices that I hear become on all consuming chatter that begins to resemble nails on a chalkboard. How do I make them understand that at the same time nothing and everything is wrong? I wanted to rip the Anorexia out of me and put it on the coffee table and say “Look! that is the thing that is inside of me! Can you see how ugly it is? It’s real. It’s solid. It exists. Do you understand now?”.
Instead I said nothing and I brooded.
For a while, all I wanted was to hate or blame someone other than myself…but there is no one else to shift it on to. It is mine. It always has been.
As the afternoon began to settle into evening, things started to lift slightly. In other words I could tolerate some social interaction to a certain degree. Then dinner happened and that has unnerved me slightly. My sister and her partner had been at my parents house for most of the day, he was doing the gardening and she, well…I’m not quite sure what she was doing. Anyway as a thank you my mum decided that they would get pizza for dinner and so as I cooked mine, they went to pick up theirs. When they got back, my Mum kept asking me if I wanted some pizza. Just a slice? A little bit? Not even half? Repeatedly I said no and then she moved on to the same questions about the chips. Again I kept saying no but truthfully I wanted to break down then and there. It was the same thing with the chocolate cake that happened the other day. I wanted to be able to have the choice to have it and not just be saying no because the Eating Disorder side of me was screaming that it wasn’t even an option. I just wanted to be normal and to have had pizza like everybody else and be fine with it. But I couldn’t do it and I hated that I couldn’t. The negative self talk has become crushing ever since and I need it to give it a rest now. I listened to the disorder. I let it win. Shouldn’t that be enough?
These moments are happening more and more regularly and although it is causing me a considerable amount of pain and distress I’m trying to believe that it’s a good thing. There was a time when the idea of eating anything that I deemed unsafe was so out of my ability to comprehend that I simply did not recognise any desires. Maybe this means the eating disorder is loosing its power. I hope so. I also hope it means that one day I will be brave enough to put my fear aside and eat whatever the hell I want.
I really want tomorrow to be a better day because I really could do with one of those right now.
I hope the day has been kind to you today.