Here is what I learnt today: The reality of between what I think is happening to my body in regards to weight is completely different to what is actually happening.
I went to the unit this morning for my appointment and it would be a fair assessment to say that I was a little bit anxious about it. I haven’t been weighed in weeks and Anorexia had been drilling it into my head that as a result of the increases and challenges my weight would have shy-rocketed to the point where it would become intolerable. That didn’t happen though. Sure there was the slightest of shift but it was so small that I began to wonder two things. The first being “Am I just having a delayed response and the weight is going to slam onto me overnight when I’m not expecting it?” or “Am I underestimating how much my body needs to function and it knows what to do with all that extra energy?”
Rationally I can see that it is more than likely to be the second thought.
I keep wondering why then, despite all the evidence that I am presented with, I still expect things to be different. My weight has never really gone up a lot in one go during this whole recovery process, not even when I was in treatment…so why should it now? Why would it now?
I don’t know how to feel about that.
The longer I delay full weight restoration then the longer this whole process takes and that is not an ideal situation. Yet there is also the side which is kind of relieved, the part that wants to just put it off another day, that still expects to find something peaceful in not reaching a healthy weight. As silly and as ridiculous as it sounds, I think there is a bit of me that still thinks this is the only way I will ever be able to live with myself. I need a certain element of pain because I feel that I deserve it. Sometimes all I can experience is this inexplicable wrongness and a need to apologise for existing and my apology is punishment. It’s an edge that continually determines that I am not worthy of happiness or health and I’m not quite sure how it will ever stop until there are no more pieces of me left to break. None of this makes a whole lot of sense to me and I imagine that you may be thinking that it doesn’t make sense to you either. That’s ok. It doesn’t have to.
However putting aside the weight/number issue, it was actually a good appointment. It was really lovely to be able to go and tell her that I met last weeks challenges rather than coming up with an excuse as to why I didn’t. It was something I was trying to be proud of. I know my mind can be stronger than my fear and so that is why I have set new challenges for this week and fully intend to meet them too. I’ve been static for a very long time, going backwards and forwards over the same ground and I guess I’m just tired of the same situation every day. So bring on the next week and the food and the weight changes and the terrible body image because these things will probably happen but if I have gotten through to this point then I can keep going. My entire body has changed so many times and I think I am going to have to learn to take one more.
This is me trying to sound less scared than I actually am.
How am I doing?
I hope your guys are being kind to yourselves today.