Fighting an Eating Disorder is such a difficult thing to do and I think we can often forget how much energy we have to invest into claiming back our lives from something that we have believed for so long was going to save us. It is easy to get frustrated with ourselves because the process is not happening as quickly as we want and when that happens the small steps can become dismissed because our minds are too focused on the final picture. Recovery tells us a story of a life that is better but just like with the eating disorder it too can become something that we will do anything to attain. I put my heart into losing weight and now I am putting my heart into recovery, but the thing that I really need to be doing is putting all that drive into myself and into creating an image that is not designed by other people but by something that my soul truly desires.
That’s why I think it is so important to stop every now and again and reassess your motivations for recovery. Ask yourself why you are still doing this? Why are you still sitting through the uncomfortable moments? Why are you fighting something when it makes you tired? Your initial reasons may not be the same anymore. I know mine aren’t. I chose recovery in the beginning because I didn’t feel like there was any other choice. I was either going into treatment against my will or I was going to die. There was no other alternative. When I got stable enough to make my own decisions I decided to stay because going back to how I was seemed unbearable. I had begun to waken up from the paralysis that Anorexia had left me in and I wasn’t prepared to go back to that coldness. It changed again and again. I had to be well for Uni. I had to be well for work. I had to be well for my family.
Now I am beginning to see that recovery for me is about being well for me.
In this moment the reasons that I still go up against the Eating Disorder everyday is because I am afraid of the person I was when I was in it and I don’t want to be her again. I want to live a life that is filled with great adventure and crushing normality. I want to not have to stop and think, every minute of every day about the size of my body or how I’m going to manoeuvre lunch with military precision tactics. Recovery ultimately means freedom, laughter, hope, empowerment, tragedy, heartbreak, joy, achievements and failures. What’s more it means that those things are perfectly ok to experience because they make me undeniably human. That’s what I want! I just want to feel human.