I seem to have stepped back from the emotional collapse that I almost had going on the other day which is a relief. It hurt far too much to be that way. Those moments however seem to be happening more and more frequently which is a little bit worrying but I’m trying not to let myself get too fixated on that, otherwise it’s probably only going to make them worse. I don’t like how fragile it is making me feel or the way that it causes me to doubt myself endlessly. I know that these changes are going to always be part of my life due to my other mental health difficulties but sometimes its just harder to swallow that fact, it’s hard to not get frustrated with myself. I’m trying to remember though that I am much a better at managing now, I am better at holding on to the reality that they are not as permanent as I feel them to be. When things are bad I keep expecting one of my greatest fears to come true, and that is to go back to the person that I was several years ago when I lost my freedom repeatedly and wasn’t even capable/competent to make any sort of decision in regards to my welfare. That complete loss of my self and the need for others to become involved and put restrictions on me keeps me holding on to any scrap of self-preservation available to me. I guess that’s maybe a reason why I am so exhausted. I thought I was only protecting myself from other people seeing how I feel but maybe I’m protecting myself from letting my mind take over me. I’m looking after me in the only way I know how which is denying what is going on with me to the point that it might be having a reverse effect and is in itself making me unwell.
It is a thought.
Anorexia has taken a sledgehammer to my self-esteem and body image for the last couple of weeks though and I can’t hide from that. It has been quite consuming to the point that even when I’m just driving the car I become so fixated on the size of my thighs that I forget that my focus is supposed to be somewhere else. I lose entire segments of my travel time. Yet I know, completely know…that the answer to this does not lie in restriction of my diet. It can’t. It never has. I have no evidence that has ever told me that limitating my intake is a way to ease the hate or disgust. A fellow blogger asked me the other day whether being thinner ever made things easier? I can without hesitation say that it never did. If anything, it made me life a nightmare. It took twice as much of the energy that I didn’t have to do half of what I needed to do. So with fighting spirit I went to my appointment on Friday and told her that although this last week has seen my diet slip, I wanted to get it back on track. I’m bored to tears eating the same foods that I’ve been eating for the last 2 years. I’m tired of not having what I want and having what I feel cornered into having. So we made a plan. Another plan. The first step was getting my snacks back into place and the second was to challenge myself a little bit more in regards to my variety. I decided that it would be a good idea to have two dinners this week that involved something that scared me a little and yet wanted to try, so I choose two meals (which was hard because suddenly I had no idea what foods actually existed in the universe) and told myself that this was going to happen. When I left to go pick my Mum up, I told her the plan about the dinners and she decided that it would be a good idea to do one that night (Frida) and honestly I agreed with her. My motivation was still fairly high and so we decided to do it…and I did do it!!! Ok so I’m not exactly in love with the food option but I think that’s more of a taste thing than a fear thing which is ok. I know now. The next meal will happen at some point this week and I will let you know how it goes.
I also didn’t get weighed this week which was more of practical issue (room without scale and then ran out of time) and I am kind of nervous (terrified!!!) of the increases that it’s going to show next week because it will have been over a 3 week gap since the previous weigh in. However I have told my therapist that if I freak out then this is probably why, so we are both prepared for it I think. I hope I can just handle it when the time coms or not freak myself out too much in the process.
I’m working to get back on track because letting Anorexia get the better of me is not about never falling down but about choosing to stay down. I’m not ok with a future with Anorexia and so I need to cut the ties and I have to accept that that process is going to take a hell of a lot longer than I’d like. I have to because being bitter and angry only keeps me trapped.
It’s not ok but if I keep going it will be ok.
I hope you are being kind to yourselves.