Let’s talk about body image! Let’s talk about how you can go from one minute thinking that you can cope with your body, the way it looks and how it feels…to the next minute when you are prepared to do anything in order to climb out of your skin because it seems too excessive.
It has been one of those days.
I haven’t been able to get comfortable at all and all though I can pretty much guess the reason why, it still doesn’t make it any easier. The bizarre thing is that I know it’s completely warped and not a true representation but something happens between hearing the comments on my size and my actually processing that information as truth. It happened twice today. People felt the need to mention my size which for some reason despite it being the opposite of what my head was telling me, it made me feel like I was growing right there in front of them. It defies logic. Anorexia defies logic.
Do you think it ever gets easier? or better?
I’m completely in love the idea that people can be happy in their skin regardless of size. I love the whole body positive attitude which says that you are wonderfully and beautifully made no matter what the number on the scale says. I see other people’s confidence and I want to adopt that approach. I want to believe it. I want to know what it’s like to not want to shrink away from mirror but look myself square in the eyes and says “You know what? You are ok! Your worthiness does not depend on the tag in your jeans or any other measurement that has pinned you down into a box which tells you how valuable you should let yourself feel yourself to be”. I supposed what it comes down to is the question of “how long are you going to keep hating yourself?”.
Maybe that’s what Anorexia comes down to. The hate for the self that is so intense that the only thought that exists is that if you reduce your weight then somehow it will reduce the hate. Isn’t that what I was trying to escape? The self loathing. The pain that came from that which in reality has never had anything to do with my image.
Because it doesn’t.
Of course body image is an issue but it’s not the issue. It’s a red herring, a deception, a lie that people want to hold on to because if an Eating Disorder is relegated to an image issue then maybe it’s less scary than the reality, and that reality is never the same for everybody who struggles. There are reasons why I ended up here and there are reasons why you ended up here too. I’m pretty sure though that no one engages in such self-destructive behaviour purely for the purpose of dropping a few dress sizes. I think part of me wishes it was that simple. If it was that simple I would have reached the goal and stopped. I didn’t.
What I don’t get then is why I let myself get so engulfed by it. I know that it means nothing to me. I know I don’t aspire to be the model on the cover of a magazine. Yet still it becomes a hurdle that I have not yet figured out how to get over. It shouldn’t be this much of a problem. It should not want to make me cry. It should not want to make me restrict.
But it does. Every time, it does.
I have worked so hard not to give into those voices today and even though I think I’ve done relatively well in eating it doesn’t feel particularly good or something to be proud of. Logically I know it is and that there would have been a time when I would have denied myself even the most basic of nutrition but thinking and feeling are not the same, are they?
I’m hoping that by tomorrow it passes. That it won’t be such a prominent thing. I will figure out how to like myself one of these days.
I hope you are being kinder to yourselves than I appear to be today.