I think things may be coming together and that maybe…just possibly, that they might be ok.
It is hard to know though isn’t it?
Exams are over which is a relief and whatever the outcome, they will be what they will be and I am now powerless to do anything about them. I worked my butt of and I just have to believe that that will be enough. Uni is now over for the summer and I am a little anxious about how I’m going to cope with all the space in my schedule now. I think the only way I’ve managed to get through these last couple of months is by not really giving myself the space to think. It’s worked but I’ll admit I am knackered!!!
Anorexia has never been far away though. I don’t even know how I’m doing and maybe that’s partly because I’ve not wanted to sit down and be honest with myself. I know that I’m not meeting my requirements and I can feel it. I’ve been telling myself that as soon as things stop being so manic then I will redirect my energy on to tackling it. However until I actually do it then I know that these are nothing but well-intentioned words. I have to turn my thoughts and plans into action. I have to stop making excuses because if I don’t stop now then I never will, will I? Body image is playing a factor and as usual it has been worse as my stress levels have been raised. It feels like I have to justify every thing I eat but I shouldn’t have to. The fact that I’m a human being should be enough. It should…but when the time comes it never is. I had a really disturbing thought last night and it did unsettle me. I kept thinking that if I couldn’t have recovery the way that I wanted it then maybe I should just give into the Anorexia. Surely it would be better than living in some sort of half state. I feel in limbo…guilty. I also feel fake. How can I come on here and talk about my struggles when my weight seems too high? It’s not about the numbers. I know that. The scale has nothing to do with what the eating disorder is actually about but yet somehow that also becomes the most powerful determinant. In my heart I know that I don’t want to go back to the weight that I was before. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t safe. I wasn’t anything other than in the process of dying. I don’t want to die. For the first time life seems more appealing than destruction ever did. Life feels like something that I want to actively participate in, hold on to and not let go whilst wanting to experience everything it can have to offer. I can’t do that with Anorexia breathing down my neck. It’s not fun. It’s not possible.
So I’ve had the day today to just be. There have been no demands on me. No deadlines or expectations and I’m handling it surprisingly well. I went to the river with my family, I made dinner, I enjoyed the sunshine. I’m getting better at being with my family and not having the space that I’m used to. It’s a challenge but it’s ok. It’s not as disastrous as I thought it was going to be. Sure there are moments when I get frustrated and that comes out every now and again, usually directed at some poor person who happens to just say the wrong thing at the wrong time and gets the full force of my annoyance. For example today it was the guy in the shop when I went to buy lottery tickets (I don’t usually but a bird crapped on me this morning and that’s supposed to be good luck), he asked me for my ID and being in the middle of preparing dinner and in a hurry I hadn’t even thought to pick it up. I just yelled at him that he had got to be kidding. The legal age to buy tickets is 16! I’m in my mid-twenties. My mother was with me and so she just repeated what I’d said and took my card off of me to pay. Honestly if he was even following through with this “TASK 25” thing then he shouldn’t have served either of us. He should have made me get ID or refused sale. It was just an inconvenience I didn’t need but because my temper is a lot shorter than usual I let my irritation come out. I did apologise afterwards though.
Thankfully though I signed the contract for my new place on Friday and so I can move in on the 1st of July. It’s a longer wait than I would have liked but sometimes that’s just the way it is. It has everything else that I could want in terms of a property. Hopefully everything else with it will run smoothly and I need to start getting my intake up so that I have the strength to actually move. The last time I did it, it felt like my body was going to go into shock and I do not want to feel like that again.
So yes, things are ok or at least they’re going to be. I’m getting stronger mentally. I’m prepared to fight.
Still not giving up.
I hope you are being kind to yourself and that you go to enjoy some sunshine too today. It always does make things seem a little better.