Exam week starts tomorrow!!! I’m really not ready for it but then I wonder if anyone ever actually is? I’ve never been the best test taker because although in a lot of situations I do perform pretty well under pressure, there is something about exams which makes my brain want to have a mini explosion and not behave the way I want it to. Previously although I’ve been concerned about exams, I’ve never felt the crippling pressure to do well. They always felt like something I was just doing…killing time till I could figure out whether I wanted to stay in this life thing or not. I make that sound flippant don’t I? By no means is that my intention, it is just the way it was. I didn’t know if I was going to make it through the night back then never mind being able to decide how I saw my future playing. I didn’t have a plan. Now though all of it matters.
Academically it’s going to be a challenging week but it’s also going to be hard in regards to the eating disorder. Firstly I’m going to have to make sure that my intake is enough so that my cognitive abilities are not diminished and that I can sit through the entire exam without feeling physically terrible. However I’m also aware that if I try to push it too hard then I may space out during the exam completely as the voice of Anorexia becomes all-consuming and self hating. How do you find that balance? How do you make it be quiet enough for you to get through what you need to get through? It’s worrying me. I don’t want the eating disorder to win this one. I don’t want to look back in a couple of months time when I get my results and think “I could have done better if I’d have just eaten more”. There is also the concern that I may just dismiss it all, let myself be so swept under by it that the adrenaline becomes the thing that keeps me going. In a way that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing most of this semester. I’ve relied more on my body’s stress mechanisms to keep me awake, get me from A to B and meet my deadlines more than I’ve relied on any actual decent sort of nutritional intake.
I’m working so hard to change that.
I can’t give you a clear picture though of how well I’m doing though because I don’t really know. Sometimes I think I’m doing ok and then other times I shake and tremble whilst convincing myself that I can do without that extra (insert food here). It’s crap. My body needs that extra food whether I like it or not. Today and yesterday I’ve made a real conscious effort to put at least some form of snack in the places where they are supposed to be which is progress! I’m not about to let that be dismissed by myself but it’s just difficult to gauge whether or not I’m letting that influence my meal choices and restrict further at those times, because if that’s the case it is clearly counter-productive and I have to sort it out. I keep thinking that I’d track my meals in a food log but it pisses me off and the guilt becomes worse so that wouldn’t be helpful either. I don’t need another way to try to have control over my intake which I feel that that is essentially what I’ll use it for rather than as a recovery tool.
I received a bit of crappy news about the new flat though which is that it won’t be available for me to move into till the 1st of July. That’s an extra 3 weeks staying with my parents! I’m grateful for them to be putting up with me but I’m getting close to losing my patience too. I need some quiet time that is actual quiet time. I just need to breathe but I’m finding it hard to do that too. My little brother is still causing me some concern too. As some of you may remember that when I came here one of the things that was majorly stressing me out was the fact that my parents don’t own a scale and although I’ve managed to cut down the amount of time that I’m not on them, they are unfortunately something that I cannot quite give up at the moment. Anyway I knew my brother had checked when I first brought them here but didn’t think much of it afterwards because they are upstairs under the bed in the spare room, but yesterday when I went upstairs I found that they had been moved. The little one told me he has been checking his weight a lot and was pretty upset about how much it kept changing throughout the day. I sat him down and gave him scale talk 101, basically covering the facts of weight fluctuations etc. He seemed more settled afterwards but I feel guilty from bringing them into his world (they have now been moved to the top shelf out of sight). At the moment though he is concerned more about being healthier and I’m not sure if I have a part to play in that, or if it’s my mother giving him a completely dressing down the other day about his attitude and the food that he eats (the word ‘greed’ did come up), or it’s age or if it’s because he’s started Taekwondo. Maybe it’s all of them? Maybe I’m just being more worried than I ought to be.
It’s tough here but the alternative is going back to the flat which is just beyond difficult to do. I had to call in the other morning to pick up some ID and I was trembling the entire time and completely disconnected for the rest of the day. The sooner I can pack up, be gone and shut off the memories when I hand the keys back then the better. I don’t like that it’s come down to this or that I’ve wasted 100’s of pounds fixing the place up but I guess that’s just how it is and I’m not brave enough to be able to resettle myself in that environment and not be afraid of my own shadow. It kind of sucks.
I probably won’t be posting for the rest of the week as I do need to focus so please be good to yourselves and if you’re doing exams too…GOOD LUCK!!!!