It has been a better day. What a relief it is to be able to write those words. I’m coming out of it feeling a little bit more stronger than what I was feeling going into it which is definitely something to smile about.
My appointment this morning was not exactly ground-breaking, there was nothing in it that actually made me sit up and take notice or undo the hurt that I’ve been feeling and yet for some reason it did help. Maybe it’s because
there is a plan now…something solid that tells me ‘ok, you’ve been there and it sucked but it’s now time to stop letting it affect your food. It’s time to stop hiding behind the Anorexia when things become something you find hard to handle because life is always going to throw something difficult at you. It’s life. It’s unavoidable, however engaging in the disorder is.’ So, what I need to do now is get my increases in, accept that it’s going to be a tad uncomfortable for a while but that that part will eventually pass in time. I have to accept that I also need to restore my weight (my therapist prefers that term rather than weight gain, which I completely agree with) and that without that happening I will not recover because it’s a step that has to happen. Despite wanting to believe in the idea that you can heal from an eating disorder mentally without making adequate dietary changes or remain at an unhealthy weight is unrealistic. So tomorrow it begins and hopefully the fact that I am starting my martial arts class will make it easier to know that I need more nutrition in order to take part.
I’ve been also wondering why I’ve let this past event rattle me so much and my therapist reminded me this morning that it isn’t just the case of what happened which is hard but also because it’s more than likely to be triggering past trauma. The world already seemed like a threatening place to me and this has just reinforced those ideas. In truth yesterday one of the main things I was feeling was stupidity, the thought of ‘see! this is what happens when you drop your guard and think that you are safe. You were an idiot to think that you could ever relax at any time’ kept playing in a loop in my brain. I have to rewire that thinking because remaining in a hyper-vigilant state is not doing much good for my mind or body. It’s knackering. I will be ok again and I just have to keep telling myself that.
After my appointment I had to get into town for a meeting with my academic mentor to go over my work load and check essays. It has definitely made me feel like I can breathe a little easier as I’m not as far behind as what I thought I was. The essay that I thought I needed to rewrite was fine and the other one which I was pretty sure I was doing wrong was also fine. So it’s a case of finishing that second one which shouldn’t take too long and then revise for exams. I have over a week left to prepare. I am kind of anxious because I’ve never been great at taking tests and I haven’t done in 7 years! Hopefully it’ll be fine and I won’t fail miserably but for now or at least for tonight I am trying not to worry about them. I know what I have to do and all I have to do is put that into practice.
The rest of my universe is still chaotic but I’m trying to manage it better. If I break it down into little things that I have to do rather than letting myself get overwhelmed by everything it might make all this bearable. I have to sort out my living situation and that has to happen pretty soon because it’s a step that I need to take in order to build myself back up. I am ridiculously unprepared to give up my independence. It means too much to me and something I have worked too hard, too many times to get back. The decision has also been made to cancel my flights to Italy, which of course I’m devastated about but if I’m going to do Italy the way I want to do it then I need to be well. I need to be healthy and strong but I don’t know how long that’s going to take. So for now the plan is to get a refund and the moment that I am in a better place then we’re to go straight away,buy the tickets and leave without giving me the chance to get a little bit better, to get a little bit worse to then get better again. Ideally I would love to say that that I am never going to let that happen again, that once I make the steps to get healthier they won’t be undone but if recovery has taught me anything is that it’s unpredictable and that Anorexia has a way of creeping in no matter how tightly you lock the doors against it.
For tonight I am in a place that seems less difficult to exist in and I’m going to be thankful for that. I am going to be ok with the way my life looks right now and accept it for what it is. Tomorrow is going to be challenging but that’s ok, it has to be. I am strong enough to be challenged. I am strong enough to come out of this in one piece. I am.
I hope you are all being good to yourselves and I appreciate your kind words of encouragement. They have been entirely what I have needed. Thank you x