Internal dialogue for the last couple of days…
“My thighs are too big and I have to find somewhere to live. I don’t know how I’m going to afford it. I need to stop eating that it’ll make it better. Essay deadlines are coming up and I have exams soon and I need to recover. I want to go to Italy. I have to increase my diet. My stomach’s too big! My god why won’t you stop eating? I have to write an article. Was I supposed to be at that meeting? My thoughts are going too fast! Maybe I should jump off the bridge. There are not enough hours in the day. I’m tired…so damn tired and my body hurts. Wait you need to get your car taxed. I’m supposed to be cooking dinner. Can I just hide under a rock? I really hate wearing jeans, why did I wear jeans today? The concepts essay was wrong, do it again. Why am I so damn stupid? No one is ever going to want to love me or be with me. I’ll die alone. Maybe if I could just make it stop.”
Basically that’s pretty much what’s going on in my head but imagine it without the full stops. A constant nagging chatter that doesn’t ease up and takes over my entire body. It hurts to sit or move or stop. It all hurts and it’s getting harder to be at my Mum’s. I need some time, some quiet, some bloody space. I want to go home but home has been ruined. I don’t know how to handle that. I can’t make myself get back on track with my eating and it’s slipping. It’s like I’m watching some car crash playing in slow motion and all I can do is sit and watch. How did it get like this?
I keep stopping for a second in the day every now and again and it floors me this heaviness that overcomes me. I feel trapped in myself and in my life. It’s getting more and more of a task to be patient with myself and with other people. I bite my tongue to stop from screaming most of the time.
I need help before I let myself be totally overwhelmed by this. I need help before I cave. It’s getting too hard. I’m sorry.