Things are beginning to become a little bit clearer in the last couple of days and although I still feel somewhat adrift at least I have made some decisions as well as having some down time.
I’m definitely not going back to my flat so I’m going to have to move, sooner rather than later because as supportive as my mother is trying to be, it’s really hard being here. The practicalities are going to be hard to figure out and the next few weeks are probably going to get a lot harder as my schedule gets busy from tomorrow with uni restarting and meetings for various work things happening. I am not looking forward to losing a lot of time commuting but I am trying to accept that for now that’s just going to have to be how it is. There is no point wasting my energy focusing on being upset about it because it’s not going to change the situation. All I have to do is get through which I am more than capable of doing…that sounds a hell of a lot more confident than I actually feel right now but I’m trying that telling yourself something enough times in the hope that you’ll eventually believe it thing. I’m hoping it starts working soon!
The down time though was strangely good and much more productive than I anticipated. I managed to finish two assignments that had been worrying me and caught up with my best friend who I haven’t seen in ages which was ridiculously good. Just being with someone who knows me as well as I know myself and has no expectations on me to be positive or smiling was what I needed. I’ve also been grocery shopping for lunches next week, picked up some things from the flat and wrote my to do list for next week. I think being organised is going to be important to help me get through although at times like this I really wish there were more hours in the day. I suppose the insomnia and early morning rises are not that bad a thing at the moment despite how knackering it is. I have just over two weeks for deadlines and exams and I am determined to get through them, on time without the need for mitigation. I’m not going to fall at the last hurdle in completing this year. I won’t…it means too much to me.
The eating disorder is raging at the moment even though it’s ridiculous and I don’t want it in my life, there is still something that whispers to me that I need it. It will calm me down, make things more manageable yet in my heart I know that’s such a load of crap because trying to live my life is wiping me out. By the end of the day my body hurts and yet I’m in my twenties for goodness sake! I’m supposed to have energy and a body that does not ache or is slow to bounce back. However it is hard to judge what I am eating because the ability to determine if I’m having enough becomes slightly skewed when I’m going through a stressful period and the reflection in the mirror continues to grow in a way that seems beyond anything that is physically possible but because you see it in the mirror, you begin to think that its true, that you are the anomaly. At once it all seems too much and not enough. I’m not sure how that is possible but it’s the way that I feel. Thankfully my therapist is back at the end of the week which will hopefully help me to figure out a way to get a grip on this and guide me back in the right direction. Good news though is that one of my fear foods has become less of a fear and I am kind of glad about that because it’s one of the foods that I know that I do like. This just proves to me that things can move, that beliefs that are held are not fixed things and I am capable of challenging myself even when things are difficult. So most of the time it may feel like this eating disorder is the one that’s getting the upper hand but there are times when I get to win too. It’s a good thing.
I am going to figure out how to get through all of this in one piece and it will be ok. It has to be, doesn’t it?
I hope you are being good to yourselves today.