My emotions nearly caught up with me today and it scared the crap out of me. I sat in my car outside my mother’s house, talking to my best friends mum and swallowed that awful lump you get when you know your going to cry. It just all seems kind of overwhelming right now and I’m not sure where to direct it. I’m pretty sure my body has not stopped pumping adrenaline through me for 2 weeks nearly (not sure on the actual biology of that) and I’m so unbelievably tired that I have surpassed the point at giving into it. I’m like a two-year old who hasn’t been allowed to nap. I’m developing a shorter fuse for the smallest of irritations from other people and I don’t like it. I prefer to be calm and take things as they come, accept other people’s little quirks and ignore it when it starts to grate. That’s not happening at the moment and instead of doing the grown up thing and say “that’s bothering me”, I just get quieter and moody. I essentially revert back to being a stereotypical teenager.
I am talking though.
Lots of talking. It’s not helping…I mean it’s not making me feel better but then I guess I’m not any worse. So maybe that is something?
I had a phone call check in yesterday morning from the Eating Disorders Unit as my therapist is on annual leave. It was a good thing to have someone to touch base with and just allow me the space to take stock of where I’m at, where my diet is at and what do I need to do to make sure that I’m giving myself enough energy to sustain me through the day. Those conversations with random people always feel a little awkward but I needed someone who specialises in Eating Disorders to just offer me some reassurance/guidance and I think I did by the end of it…feel reassured. I did need to be reminded that it’s ok for me to still eat. I wonder how long it takes for that reaction to stop eating when something stressful happens lasts?
I also got my butt into group this week after missing last weeks session and again it was a good thing I went. I’ve developed some kind of bond with the people there and I do find them supportive, also the group facilitator is lovely. She told me that I need to stop being so hard on myself that I was struggling and that I needed to give myself time to process everything and that I will have to process it. As much as I try to shrug off how I feel, sooner or later I am going to run out of a steam, the shock response will pass and I will probably hurt very much. I have to allow it to happen at some point. Although I heard what she was saying, I’m still not ready to accept it. Also we talked about how I wanted to get back to my increases as soon as possible (still not there or close) because I didn’t want to get comfortable again with restricting my diet to the point that it’s at again, she however pointed out that that wasn’t going to happen because even before all this I wasn’t comfortable. I was miserable so I could stop worrying about that happening. Oddly reassuring and helpful.
Today though was hard and draining. I saw my CPN who is actually really coming through right now and doesn’t say inappropriate things. I think I realised though today that the idea of going back to living at my house is not something that I can do. I don’t feel safe there but I also feel that it’s tainted somehow. I need to figure out what’s going to be best for me and the idea of living there for another 6 months, hoping that this fear will pass is not going to be beneficial to my health. I have to make that a priority and me being on constant alert, barely sleeping, not eating right and being scared 24/7 will see me relapse into full blown mental health breakdown. I mean I was barely holding it together before the attack thing happened. If I lose my health then I lose my education. Everything else after those things are not that important. Practically though, it’s more complicated than just packing up and leaving. I have responsibilities and commitments and financial constraints. It is stressful but I have to figure it out soon because there is only so long I can continue to stay at my parents house too because that isn’t good for me either. I feel trapped right now so for the moment I am just going to try and redirect energy into meeting my deadlines and getting back in to step with my recovery.
For now that will have to be enough.
I hope you are being good to yourselves.