Today kind of fell apart for me and by mid-afternoon I was ready to crawl in to bed, hide under the duvet and watch something on Netflix’s…and I’ll be honest with you here guys, that is exactly what I did for an hour. My morning got cancelled which was disappointing because I had been really looking forward to it. One of my baby projects was going to move from meetings and talks to action, but as I pulled up to pick up my colleague a message came through to say that it had had to be cancelled. I wasn’t best pleased…but these things happen. The next plan was then to go into the office and get some work and planning done for the summer festival, only the building was locked up (when did easter extend to the Tuesday after bank holiday???)! Relocate again to a coffee shop, got caught in the rain and I was just getting to be a little bit of a miserable shit. Lunch was eaten in my car because I’d packed it for work and I wouldn’t go back to my house to have it (even though it was less than 5 mins away). There is absolutely nothing enjoyable about eating the car, it’s awkward and uncomfortable. However, I did eat my lunch. I didn’t skip it. I didn’t make an excuse. I know some days that doesn’t seem like it’s a massive feat considering how long I’ve been doing this recovery thing but there are other days when it is a complete triumph.
Today was one of the latter.
I think it is worth remembering that recovery is not a straight line. It doesn’t go in one direction! It’s a mess, goes round in circles, repeats over lines that it’s already made, it’s up and down and is all the colours ever invented. Recovery is chaos but chaos isn’t always a bad thing. We need it to put a diversion into our narrow field of vision that only once had eyes for seeing how quickly we could make ourselves disappear. Sometimes I give myself a hard time that I’m not where I want to be (fully recovered) and I know it’s because I’m impatient with myself. I’m one of those people that once they decide something they want it straight away and they’ll pretty much do anything in their power to make it happen. For most things I make that apply. I work for things and I fight for people but for some reason recovery has not followed the same path. I wonder if it’s because I’ve never actually given myself over entirely to recovery, never been quite able to let go of the control that it whispers to me that I have? It’s possible.
I want to feel empowered again and despite the illusion of power that the ED gives me, I will only truly feel it when I stop listening to what it has to say. Tomorrow I have full intention of redirecting my energies back to the increases. I can’t afford to allow more time to slip past with me engaged in this way. It’s tiring, a waste of time, a waste of my energy and more than anything it is a waste of my life. There has to be more than this doesn’t there or what is the point? I have to believe that I can get better because if I don’t then I don’t think my heart could take it. I think 15 years is enough time to prove to myself that this idea that this ‘thing is going to save me or make me like myself is just shite.
AND!!! This just happened this minute, I’ve agreed to go out to a difficult restaurant for lunch tomorrow with my Mum and her friend.
I will leave it there on a positive not for tonight people.
Be good to yourselves.