It’s been a better day for me today ED wise. It hasn’t been so loud or punishing than it has been this last week and I hope that that is because it’s a sign that I’m getting stronger rather than just the tiredness I feel wiping me out. I’m working hard at staying connected with the people in my life but I feel so adrift not being in the city and I realise how much the idea of moving back to my parents is not a realistic one. I keep running backwards and forwards though with ideas on how I could escape this life, as though I could outrun myself and find some place where I could start again. Develop a new identity and forget the life that I am living…but I know, I really do know that it doesn’t matter where I go there is still going to be myself to contend with. I can’t run from that. This is within me and therefore that is where the battle has to happen and a different city or persona isn’t going to change that.
I could really do with seeing my therapist sometime soon which in itself is difficult for me to admit to because I’m usually like “it’s fine…I’m coping on my own perfectly well” but nope, I need to see her. The difficulty is is that she’s on annual leave for another two weeks. Timing can really suck some times.
Anyway I’m not going to moan at you for too long as I can probably imagine that a few of you might have had a pretty challenging time of it today with it being Easter. I hope you managed to get through it ok? Any holiday can be really difficult when you’re struggling with an Eating Disorder but remember that it passes, that it is one day and you will get through it, even when that feels impossible in the moment. I haven’t personally done anything as my family isn’t Christian and also because they all went out for the today to visit my Dad’s relatives. I got to just have space and quiet which although was a little unsettling, I needed for it to happen. I’ve been really missing my solitude and my ability to feel comfortable with it. I got a little bit of that back today. It’s a good thing.
Be good to yourselves x