I think we’re all kind of aware that ED has been trying to beat down on me pretty hard lately. It’s not something that I’ve been shy about on here. However today I got to have a win and for once I did not let the guilt blind me from the achievement or allow the hate to get stronger. My morning was rough with my mood and tiredness and just the overwhelming need of wanting to go back home (still staying with the parents) so I wasn’t holding out much hope in terms of challenging anything Anorexia wise. I was just hoping to get through the day relatively unscathed. Breakfast was standard and then I had to go to my Aunts house to just check in on her with my Mum, and usually as is custom there was tea and a selection of biscuits on the table. Normally I can get really angsty about the milk and never touch the biscuits but today I just thought ‘No! Your meal plan says you need a snack and milk is nothing to be afraid of”, so I ignored the fact that she did put more milk in than I like and had one of the biscuits that she had bought specially because she knows I feel comfortable with eating. Screw skipping my morning snack! Ok…so I didn’t feel that great mentally afterwards and I had every intention of letting it throw me for the rest of the day but then…
We went back to my mums house and my sister came over and it was decided that we were going to go out for lunch. Initially we were going to go somewhere that I’d been before but my sister didn’t fancy that (imagine changing plans just because you feel like it!). So we went to another restaurant and I managed to choose something without hours of agonising over the menu and had that. It was scary but I did it! I battled the Eating Disorder head on and I came out unscathed. I’m not up to my full increases but I am taking the steps to get there.
Staying at my parents house though is hard. I don’t want to be negative about it though because my Mother, bless her soul is trying her best to make it easier for me. It’s just this environment holds a lot of memories, it doesn’t feel like home and I have never felt able to fully relax here. I’m not used to living in a family environment anymore either, with all the noise and activity. I’m used to just quiet and space and a place to just process my day, at the moment it feels like I’m not getting any of that. One of the most difficult challenges though is not having my scales (my parents don’t own scales either). In the last 6 days I have weighed myself once and it is not something I am ok with. For the first time in a long time I do not know exactly what the numbers say and I have no idea what is going on with my body. Am I eating too much? Not enough? I don’t know. I can’t tell by looking at myself because I know my body image is pretty terrible at the moment and with me being stressed I seem to multiply in size hourly therefore I cannot trust that measurement. I feel unanchored in every way. Not knowing the number, not able to go home, not being able to action my routine. I don’t like it. I need certain things in my life to keep me mentally well and at the moment the world around me is not helpful with that.
I want to go home guys. I want things to go back to how they were before. I want to just feel safe again. I swing between complete fear over everything to being angry and miserable. I want a time scale for how long I will feel like this. I need to know that it ends. I am going to try go back to my house soon and have people stay, put that need to move on hold and see if I can ride this out. If I’m honest I don’t want to…I want to run and hide under a rock but that can’t be a reality otherwise I will never stop running or looking over my shoulder. I don’t want to be undone.
I am overwhelmed over here but trying to carry on. I have to, don’t I? Stopping is not a good idea right now.
I hope you are being good to yourselves.