It has been really difficult to focus on my recovery in the last couple of days and it worries me because I know how easy is to slip, to let this thing get its grip on me and begin to drown me again.
After a weekend of just eating and dealing with the physical implications of that I thought I would be getting through the worst of it by now and I managed to have a pretty nice day on Sunday. I went on that walk with my friend and then met my other friend in the afternoon to go to the cinemas. I was beginning to feel a little bit more positive and I could certainly tell that my mood, although not wonderful was better than it had been for a while. My head felt clearer and I was more able to process the thoughts that were going on inside of me, challenge them so that I could continue on and do what I needed to do.
However, it all changed on Sunday night.
For a while there had been someone knocking on my front door and mostly I was trying to ignore it. I don’t like to open the door on an evening, especially when I’m not expecting someone, but this was going on for 15 minutes and I began to get frustrated, whilst also thinking it might be something important. I tried to look out the window and didn’t see anyone and then finally decided to just open the damn door. When I stepped out to look, two men came charging at me from round the side of the house – I assume trying to get in. It was terrifying in that moment and all I could think was “No! No! No! This cannot be happening” I couldn’t see who they were as they had their hoods up and scarves wrapped around their faces. I fought back and I fought hard, kicking and screaming and attempting to lash out. We kind of fell to the floor and still I kicked out. Eventually one of them took off and then they were followed by the other. I slammed the door, locked it and dialled 999. I was shaking so badly and trying hard to stay calm, not to panic so that I could get out the words I needed to say to the operator. The police finally arrived and although they tried to be reassuring and had people out looking, the reality was that there was little to go on. I haven’t heard anything from them since to say otherwise.
I’ve been staying at my parents since it happened and I am more afraid than I am letting other people know. I thought they were going to rape me or kill me and that would be. Everything was over. After all these years of surviving, it would end like this. That thought, that belief was something that I was definitely not ok with. Ever since it’s happened I keep having flashbacks of that moment when they ran at me and for a minute I feel that overwhelming sense of terror that I had in that moment and I wonder if I can ever go back to feeling safe again. I went home yesterday morning with my mum and sister and managed to cope with it, but I went back on my own later that afternoon to pick up a charger, I was in the property for 30 seconds before I ran to my car and had a panic attack. I keep thinking that they’re going to come back or they’ll try again when I’m coming home one night. My instincts are telling me to just move, get the hell out but that is not a practical option and my mother keeps telling me that I can’t let them win…which I agree with, but it’s easier for her or me to say it but the truth is something completely different. Fear is a powerful thing.
I still ache all over from what happened, keep finding new bruises from when I hit the ground and my muscles are sore from fighting. I am starting a self-defence class next week through so maybe that will help. I just want to feel safe again but I don’t know how long that takes to happen or if it ever does. There is the pull to take it out on my food, to fixate on the size and shape of my body as though I will find the answers there…but the truth is that even Anorexia could not protect me from this and I wouldn’t want it to. Besides I have to think that had I still been in full-blown restriction mode I would not have had the energy or strength to fight them off.
So I’m just asking people now to not be complacent with their personal safety. Keep your doors locked and if you aren’t expecting people, don’t know who’s at the door or there appears to be no one there…do not open it.
Be safe guys x