SO MUCH PAIN!!!
If I could share one piece of knowledge right now it would be that if you are even considering about going back to restriction – even if you say it’s only for a short amount of time – don’t! It really isn’t worth it and getting back to any sense of normality is not a fun process to go through again.
I really wish that I had told myself and believed that before I did.
Physically I have not felt comfortable since I started this process of increasing/slight re-feeding and yesterday I spent my afternoon on the couch because moving even slightly sent a wave of nausea and pain rippling through my body. It was not pleasant and I am not fairing much better today in terms of the sensation of feeling sick. It’s frustrating because it is making the ED scream even louder at me to stop eating…”You don’t need that. You’re already full. Stop being so greedy. It’s making you fat. Look at the state you of you” and every other variation on that statement conceivable. I’m ignoring it or at the very least not let it affect my actions or behaviours…but is so hard when your mind and body are telling you to do the complete opposite of what you have to do. Anorexia is a bitch and recovery is brutal. Why do I always forget this?
The strange thing is though that no matter how many times I go through these periods I keep expecting a different outcome. In the beginning (before I start), I am so distraught about my body and usually pretty unhappy and so I tell myself I would be happier if I saw the numbers go down. It will make me safe again. It will be all the things I want it to be, all the things that I thought the Anorexia would fix. Then somewhere in the middle when I restrict and cut things out and it still isn’t making me happy, I wonder why I thought that that would be the answer. What evidence have I ever had to back that kind of outcome up? Yet at the same time the eating disorder gets a firmer grip on me and all the irrational fears and thinking distortions come into play before I realise that I cannot keep destroying myself like this. Finally I take action, get help, get my meal plan increased and attempt to restore weight and I am constantly stunned that it this part that is always the hardest. Anorexia has me convinced that I don’t really have a problem and my mind tells me that I should be able to just eat…it’s not as though it’s that hard. I underestimate how much I let this thing regain control over me. I think a part of me is still expecting to wake up one day and I will just be fine, recovery will be done, the eating disorder over and I will have snapped out of it because I was never even that unwell in the first place.
I lie to myself because it’s the easier than the truth…even though the truth is something that I have been trying to accept for a long time, one that says this is not a phase and you can’t just talk your way out of this one. You have to fight like hell to get out of it. That includes hurting horribly whilst you’re trying to put yourself back together again.
Mentally I am not as exhausted as I was at the end of the last week, and as much as I’m not a fan of resting, it is quite possible that I needed to do it. I couldn’t keep trying to battle through the physical issues as well as trying to get work done and being in a hundred different places at once. Last week in group I got told that I wouldn’t expect someone else who wasn’t well to keep doing everything that they have to do and the eating disorder makes that doubly difficult because it affects your both mentally and physically. She was of course right but I found the idea that admitting that I may actually still be unwell was unnerving. I guess for me it was a case of as long as I wasn’t an inpatient, as long I wasn’t dying, as long as I could get through the day from morning to night in relatively one piece than I was fine. Yes…exceptions for the self and not something I would ever believe of another person.
Despite everything I still despise the eating disorder more than the weight gain. I still would rather be free than bound up by this thing. So I am going to keep going and stop believing that I can’t. I can because I’ve done it before. My body can tolerate it because it’s tolerated it before. This pain will pass.
The plan for today is to leave the house and go for a walk with a friend and then I’m going to the cinemas this afternoon with another friend. I’m hoping that it will be just the type of day that I need right now and then tomorrow I can get back to work and start tackling the mountain of work that I have to do for Uni and my other work.
Be good to yourselves today guys x