I feel like I’m breaking, splitting apart at the seams and revealing once again how lacking I am. I thought I could be strong enough to do this, but I am not so sure anymore. I have been fighting with the increases to my diet and I am exhausted by it. Mentally, emotionally and physically I feel like I’ve been beaten black and blue and I am struggling to remember that this phase doesn’t last forever, that the only way to get through it is to carry on, to essentially eat my way through and allow my body time to figure out what it’s meant to do with the calories that I have been denying it for so long. My stress and anxiety levels are of course making it worse. I am twisted up in knots and the tension that has planted itself in my head and through my shoulders is not a very pleasant experience. Fear has nestled itself in to me and refuses to shift to even give me a moment to breathe.
I think I’m a little burnt out…for the last two days I have felt this sudden overwhelming need to cry, a pain so stunning that it feels like I have been struck and the same thoughts run through my mind…
“You can’t do this!”
“You are alone. You will always be alone”
“Just jump off the damned bridge and you won’t have to think anymore”
It’s unsettling, isolating but mainly frustrating. I don’t want to jump off a bridge and I am not alone. I have friends…I have a family, but for some reason in those moments it’s like they cease to exist and my ability to think clearly is overshadowed by something darker…Anorexia stumbling around trying to get a grip on to me in a way that it can and when it fails, it turns and adopts the attitude “If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me”.
I want to say to it “You Win! I will not fight you anymore” but then I realise that I couldn’t stand for that to be true either. Despite how terrifying all this is right now, the idea that I will spend the rest of my life living with this damn disorder is even worse.
I just have to figure out how to get through this part.
My initial plan was to take 3 days off (starting from today) and not do any type of work. Mostly I have stuck to it other than a call to discuss film design ideas. I am hoping that if I rest this weekend then by Monday I will be a much more productive person rather than just trying to muddle through half-heartedly. Surprisingly it has been ok for me today to just let myself be maybe because I am finally at a point where I cannot ignore the exhaustion. Other than my appointment with my therapist this morning, all I have done is the housework, buy books off of amazon, browsed the web a little and had a long hot bath. There is something calming about doing these things without the internal dialogue of being told that I should be doing something else.
I am reflective on the appointment I had this morning and I cannot deny it, the weight gain did hurt. Seeing the number go up made me want to crumble right there on the spot and I just think it feels even worse at the moment because I’m feeling physically worse rather than better and therefore its harder for me to justify it. However I was very open with her today about how I have struggled and we worked through a kind of CBT model to try to untangle it. Usually I’m not a fan of these approaches but it did help to see it all in some kind of loop and how one thing was influencing the other and if I just work on one part it might lessen the others.
It looks like this:
I have to keep eating even though I’m afraid and it hurts and I feel like crap because I know that as long as I stay on this path of giving into my eating disorder then I’ll never be happy…Anorexia will never make me happy no matter how much it tries to convince me otherwise. I am going to keep going with my increases and I just hope that soon it becomes just a tiny bit easier. I hope…
I hope you are being good to yourselves today.