How do you know if your making progress or lying to yourself?
I think I’m eating more, it certainly feels like it and there have been challenges both yesterday and today which I have tried to rise to, but there is this niggling feeling in the back of my brain saying that I haven’t been fully committed to this new meal plan yet. It is possible that my patience is wearing thin and I am expecting more from myself than I am able to deliver. I know that I have high standards, more so since the eating disorder took a turn for the worse a few years back and it became hard for me to settle for anything mediocre or that didn’t live up to how I saw things in my head. It’s just difficult isn’t it when you see things so clearly and logically in your head and you know how to make that happen but for some reason you just can’t do it?
I think I just need to lay off myself for a while and accept that I am not going to get this perfect right away. If I could have recovered that easily or quickly than I would have done by now and beating myself up over it is not achieving anything.
So let me tell you about the weekends challenges…
Yesterday I went to Nandos with my mum and sister. I’d agreed to go because I’d wimped out last week and told them that we would do it this weekend. Honestly before my session on Friday I had no intention of seeing it through but afterwards I knew that I had to start fighting my thoughts and do it. I was terrified but it wasn’t too bad. I got through it and nothing horrible happened. My family were discussing the troubles that are going on with my older brother so no one was focused on me or what I was doing. It was nice and one of our better lunches out. Afterwards I went to the supermarket with them where I did start to get a little annoyed because they were rushing around and I was supposed to be looking at what supermarkets actually sold rather than my standard safe foods so that I could get some ideas. Anyway I figured would prefer to do the looking on my own at another time rather than letting myself get stressed about it. I was meant to go today but after sitting in traffic for half an hour and still not getting any closer to where I wanted to be, I gave up and just went home.
Today I was round (again) at my parents house for Sunday lunch and here I guess is where I ask the question of whether I am being entirely honest with myself. Yes it was a challenge because I wasn’t cooking it and I wasn’t even in the room (building Ikea furniture in the next room) when she plated it all up so that was a definite sign of progress. But did I let fear win out in the end? Kind of. It was still more though than what I have been having so I guess balancing it all out, I’m going to take it as a good thing.
It’s been a rough weekend but I do feel as though I have let go of a little bit of the control, and I think it does come down to that permission thing a little bit too. I know without doubt what I should be eating and that its ok to eat that. I’m just trying to believe it. The biggest hurdle is always going to come back to body image though, because as much as I understand the number and hear what my therapist is saying to me, I still see someone who is too big to need to gain weight when I look in the mirror. I still see a reflection that doesn’t justify the need to eat more. I am trying to see that that though is more about what is going on in my head rather than what is really happening on the outside.
So I’m sticking with it and feel both wrung out and hesitantly positive.
I hope your weekends have been good to you x