My therapist was right. My body was only going to compensate for so long before it went wrong and my weight would begin to drop. That became evident this morning when I went for my appointment at the unit and got weighed. The number went down far more than I was expecting it to…and do you know what? It didn’t make me even a little bit happy. I just felt saddened by it. I have let the ED control so much of my life and here I am still here fuelling it despite how much I hate it. I keep expecting a different result and if I’m honest I was expecting that old rush of elation that I used to get when the numbers went down. That didn’t happen.
We talked about what had been going on the last couple of weeks, how had it happened and more importantly what were we going to do to make it stop. So, we spent the entire session meal planning, looking at what I’d cut out and what I needed to put back in. My calorie intake will be doubled on the new plan to get me to an adequate intake. I’m scared. It felt wrong and shameful just writing it down, as though I was betraying something. In a way I am, by increasing I am betraying the Eating Disorder and whether I like it or not there still exists some sort of twisted loyalty to it. I have to figure out how to sever those ties because if I don’t then I will lose everything that I worked so hard to build. I used to tell myself that nothing was more important than losing weight and listening to what the ED told me to do but that is wrong! Everything is more important than losing weight. It can’t be the sum total of my existence. I don’t want to look back on my life when I hit the later stages of adulthood and think “all I have done is manipulate a number on a scale rather than building a career, falling in love and having kids”.
I plan to start my increases tomorrow and I hope that when I say that the tomorrow doesn’t remain elusive and something that I intend to get round to but never do.
This is going to be hard but it shows me how quickly it is for Anorexia to infiltrate my mind once I let my guard down and so I must not let my guard down. I must keep up the pressure on the disorder so that it will eventually take a running jump out of my life.
So I am terrified and motivated and a little sick to my stomach but I can rise to this challenge. I am strong enough to do this because what’s the alternative? A life that I don’t want to live? Not prepared to let that happen.
Wish me luck guys x