It feels good to be back home, to have the quietness and calmness around me rather than the noise of my parents house. I don’t like spending time there and by 4pm yesterday afternoon all I could think was that I just wanted to leave. I’d forgotten how hard it is for me to constantly be around people and how very tiring it is to live up to these character roles that I have chosen to play because having my family know that things are difficult is just not something that I feel very comfortable with doing. I never have. Besides, it really wasn’t a convenient weekend to do so.
Firstly today was Mother’s day and I didn’t want to ruin that for her. Also it was my sisters marriage/blessing thing and although that was lovely in theory, the reality of the day was long and frustrating. I had stayed over specifically to help my mum clean and cook so that it would all be done in time, but the Imam was 2 hours late as where the witnesses and so we just all sat there in semi-awkward silence waiting for it to begin and be done. As you can probably gather we are not a sentimental family. In addition my older brother has disappeared on us…well he is spending time getting drunk, refusing to take any calls (he was supposed to be getting blessed as well today as his girlfriends pregnant. He didn’t even call my parents to let them know that he wasn’t going through with it!!!) and just being a completely disrespectful shit. I think he needs to hit rock bottom before anything can change and everyone needs to stop being there to clear up his messes for him and make him take responsibility for something for once in his life. Family drama is not good and most of the time I try to stay out of it but it’s hard to when you have your sister calling you up in tears, followed by your mother 5 minutes later also in tears.
Food has been harder because I can’t be as controlled or measured when I’m there and that in turn makes me feel wrong. I can’t really tell if I’ve eaten too much or not enough and I wonder how long it will take before I learn how to listen to my body. Tomorrow I tell myself that I will begin again, but I’m not sure what it is that I actually tend on beginning. The introduction of my meal plan? The not weighing myself? Being more controlled/less controlled? Working out? I don’t know…but I also don’t know why I still expect the answer to what is wrong to be so wrapped up in my physicality or food choices. Surely by now I should know that my happiness cannot be gained by reducing myself to the limitations of the eating disorder.
I have a busy week coming up this week so I am hoping that that will be good for me and if it’s not good for me then at least I can avoid what is bad for me. That’s kind of my logic anyway.
I hope your weekends have been good to you x