I keep thinking I need to do something drastic in order to get myself out of this mind frame. Waiting it out, having patience with myself and taking baby steps are things that are not working for me. It’s allowing me to remain stuck. Every time I get up the courage to challenge something I allow myself to talk myself out of it, telling myself that I can do it tomorrow or that it’s been a rough day and I can take it easier on myself. Those tomorrows soon start to add up though and that’s how whole years are lost. So I know I need to do something but I’m just not sure what.
Italy is happening in a couple of months and I want to be well enough to enjoy it. I’ve waited so long for this trip that I can’t let it go without putting up a fight for it. It means so much to me and I haven’t been on a holiday in years, 10 years to be more specific. Rome was supposed to be about celebrating my freedom from the Eating Disorder but I don’t feel particularly free right now. I want Rome the way I see it in my head. City wanderings, amazing coffee and pizza.
Today I was going to do the fear food Friday challenge with Juniperbaby but it has been put on hold for this week because this weekend will be a fear food weekend. My sister is getting married/blessed – not quite sure what to call it – on Sunday. It will be a marriage in the eyes of My Dad’s religion and it is being done for him. It’ll be good because it means that we can all stop pretending that her partner doesn’t exist when my Dad’s around. No more secrets or lying or anything else. It is wonderful news and I am really happy for them. However because of this impromptu celebration which was only thought about last weekend and then confirmed yesterday, it means that I will be staying at my parents house for the weekend and there will be food that I am expected to eat. I am stressed about it even though I’m trying not to be.
And another thing…and I don’t want to sound bitter because I’m not and I am genuinely happy for them but I wonder if anyone could ever love me like that. Want to be with me…you know? I’ve been single for so long and just uninterested and now I am worried that I will never be capable of being in a relationship again. My last relationship was maybe…2009 and even that wasn’t the best. More random. I’m beginning to ramble now aren’t I?
So I am asking if you guys know any drastic plans that would work to help get me out of this thinking pattern and start making some progress in my recovery then please let me know.
Be good to yourselves x