I am always disappointed when my day is unproductive and I feel guilty when it seems like I am not achieving something. The day had promise and unlike yesterday when I decided to climb back into my pyjamas after lunch because I got the idea that I was too fat to leave the house in to my head, I did leave the house and get myself into uni for a lecture. Only the lecturer didn’t show up and I ended up wondering around the library for an hour having some kind of crisis as I realised that there were all these books that I needed to read and it would be impossible to do so. If you’ve ever seen Two and Half Men you might have watched the episode where Alan realises the same thing and has a breakdown in the middle of a book store. That’s what I felt like I doing!
I had arranged to meet a friend for lunch though and he’s one of the only people that I don’t feel like I have to put on some false bravado with. I can let him in on all the dark, messed up thoughts that I’m having and know that he isn’t going to run a mile. It doesn’t really work though when we are both in a bad place (which we both were) and although he knows that I’m never going to sugar coat things for him I probably should have been a little more sensitive. I can be brutal in my advice because I don’t believe saying ‘there, there, it’s all going to be ok’ does anyone any good. I don’t know if it’s going to be ok for him. It probably will be and he has it in himself to make it happen but I cannot offer a guarantee. It works both ways and I think is a good reflection on how strong our friendship is. Anyway I was asking out loud (more to myself) what would it be like to just have a day of not counting calories? What would happen? He think’s we should have a ‘fuck it’ day. A day where we do, say and eat whatever the hell we want. No bullshit, no fake smiles, no being polite and trying to meet expectations. I can’t deny that it’s a nice idea but I honestly don’t think I can do it. I’ve spent years conditioning myself to keep it together, to not show weakness or get angry and upset in front of others. I can’t remember the last time I yelled at someone or even near someone. I haven’t let myself be completely unguarded in such a long time. Obviously it would be great if I could say fuck it to the eating disorder and counting calories for a day. I can imagine the relief but the reality is that anorexia is not going to just let that happen. That’s the problem with an Eating Disorder, you don’t get to just have the day off from it. There isn’t a day that you wake up and think “I’m not going to be anorexic today. I’ll start again on tomorrow” like you’d do for a diet because shockingly…Anorexia is not a diet! It is not a lifestyle choice!
I wondered round town for a little while, thinking that I would get some errands done (I didn’t) and then headed home. The intention was to get some work done, go to group and then facilitate a work chat on a social media forum. The work didn’t happen and I convinced myself that group was unnecessary and that I didn’t need to talk about anything anymore. All I needed to do was shut myself off for a while. I think the truth though is that I didn’t think I could go and be a hypocrite tonight. The idea of sitting in a room and calling up everyone else on their shit and ignoring/accepting my behaviours was very unappealing. I haven’t put the meal plan back into place yet. Italy is coming up in June and I have made zero progress in getting physically stronger or challenging foods. If I’m honest I’ve stopped challenging foods at all. I’m so sick of eating the same crap but the fear of trying something new is paralysing at times. I’ve said that I’ll give myself another couple of weeks to get my butt back into gear and if by the time of my next therapy appointment things still aren’t changing then maybe I need to see my dietician to help put a more specific meal plan in place. I just feel stupid because my weight feels too high to be asking for more support. I think that fear has always been there though – even when I was going into treatment at my lowest – that I would be told that I was too fat to deserve help and they would just laugh at or dismiss me. I know it’s not about the numbers but I can’t shake that. I’m waiting to be dismissed or told that they can no longer help me.
Ok so that’s my ramblings for the day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better or at least a little bit productive. Be good to yourselves x