This week I had to make a choice a between doing what I usually do or doing something different. I decided that it was time to try the latter. I came to see that I’m not ok with being a passive participant in the unravelling of my life anymore. I won’t! I have worked too hard to get to this point. On Tuesday something inside of me broke, I hated what I what I was doing, not just to my body but also to my soul and I knew that sooner or later it was going to have to stop. I had to acknowledge that in order to fix it then I would have to swallow my pride and my feelings of inadequacies and make that call to my therapist. I had to be honest with her.
I ignored the thoughts that told me I was being ridiculous, that she probably had a lot of other more important things to do and that I was just taking time away from patients who actually needed help. I had to make that call because if I didn’t then I was going to continue doing what I was doing and the truth dawned on me that I would rather end my life then go through the slip down into Anorexia again. I saw how I would be reduced and diminished, not only in a physical sense but that I would lose my personality again. I would lose all of the things that recovery had opened my eyes up to. It was a very sobering thought.
So I did it.
I said this is what I’m doing and I’m stuck and afraid. I don’t know how to move forward. I told her about the physical pain and the dizzy spells and how all I thought I wanted was to see the numbers go down. I told her that I thought it was ok to restrict because I was still maintaining and then I felt like a failure because I couldn’t lose weight. I didn’t understand my body or what it was doing.
Basically all the crappy things that I had been holding on to came tumbling out of me.
I guess it needed to happen.
The really good thing about my therapist is that she’s good at her job, she’s perceptive (creepily so sometimes) and she asks the right questions and usually says the things that I need to hear.
She also reminded of what I had learnt way back in Dietetics, that my body will compensate for a while when I start to restrict, that it will hold on to everything that it has because it’s crucial for survival but there will come a point when it can’t anymore. That’s when things can go catastrophically wrong very quickly.
In the end we needed to come up with something that was going to get me through to my next appointment (which is tomorrow). So here it is:
– Find old meal plan and try to put it back in place (nothing terrible will happen!!!)
– Don’t spend ages trapped by the scale getting on and off it. If I must weigh myself limit it to once a day (I am weighed every week and that is a better reflection on what my weight is doing)
– Have a plan for if things get overwhelming
– Keep myself safe
It’s been one hell of a challenge these last few days to keep to it but it has helped that I have been overwhelmingly busy with work and uni. Stopping scares me right now…who are we kidding? Stopping scares me all the time but I figured that I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
I have to take care of myself right now. I have to realise that I don’t get to live in both worlds. I don’t get to restrict and still demand that my body outputs the same amount of energy. It’s not realistic…it is delusional. I am not superwoman. I cannot sustain on air and coffee and smokes alone. I need food.
I also kind of need my mood and sleep to be better because waking up at 5am in the morning is not making me very happy.
Eating Disorder are hard work guys!!! Why would anyone think that people choose this?