I think I’ve remembered why restricting is a bad idea.
1) It is not cool to be in a meeting, space out because your blood sugars are crashing and spend what little remains of your energy on trying not to pass out.
2) When you do try to have a normal intake then you will have hell to pay with bloating and wake up in the middle of the night, trying not to scream in agony because even moving an inch makes you feel like you’re being ripped into a few hundred little pieces.
3) It is going to mess with your metabolism, which means that even though you are restricting the scales might not change, therefore making you eat less, store more and hate yourself for feeling like a failure because you can’t make the scales go down.
4) The only way to get out of the cycle of point 3 is to eat more which is going to make your weight spike a little bit and that only brings you more agony, drawing out the whole process.
5) Your body will fight you every step of the way.
6) So will your mind.
7) You feel guilty for not eating and you feel guilty for eating. There is no win in this situation.
8) You feel like you’re cheating yourself, cheating your treatment and wasting time going through the same process repeatedly and never moving forward.
9) You are tired of not moving forward.
10) Living this way makes you miserable, restricting means eventually re-feeding again if you want to live. Re-feeding hurts physically and mentally.
So that’s pretty much a summary of my day. 10 points on why it’s never a good idea to restrict. I feel like I need to make more of an effort with my recovery. I’ve let it slip and told myself that it’s ok to let it slip because I was maintaining my weight. However the number on a scale is just a number and does not reflect the damage that I am doing to myself. The damage I am doing is listed above. The number will go up but it has to be better than living like this, half-present, half-hearted and entirely unhappy. Time to put a plan back into action. I just hope I have the will to see this through tomorrow. Strangely a part of me thinks I need to go seek permission to put this plan into action…maybe I could ring my therapist? But that would mean going against everything that I once believed. I’m just not sure I can let this carry on though without it.
In other news…I had a meeting with both my CPN today who I am getting more used to and who is getting used to me too. I also had my meeting with my course leader to let him know what’s been going on with me and he was really kind and compassionate and told me that if I ever just wanted to talk then I could just stop by and see him and we’re going to have regular meetings for a while, just so he can stay up to date and see how he can support me.
I am trying not to get freaked out by support and take away my words or shut people out. It is very hard but I have to give myself the chance to get through this and that means admitting that A) I don’t have to do this alone and B) I am not alone.
I hope you’ve had a day that’s been kind to you.