An Eating Disorder really takes a lot of time out of your day/week doesn’t it?
I never noticed how I can lose entire days to something relating to the damn thing. Take today…this morning I got up and struggle through breakfast, then spent several hours berating myself, changing my clothes, standing on and off the scale before finally driving to my therapy appointment. By the time I got home it was almost lunch, so that’s another hour and a half-ish making it and then eating it. Followed by another couple of hours of being unimpressed with myself, changing my clothes again, staring into space and wondering whether I could get a gym membership in the next five minutes and blow off uni. I’m pleased to tell you that I didn’t! I got the bus, went to uni, attempted to engage and form some thoughts that were comprehensible. It didn’t work out very well. Home bound again and the choice for what to have for dinner begins, which admittedly isn’t that much of a choice because I haven’t been grocery shopping and didn’t do a very good one last week either. Make dinner. Have dinner. Stress about dinner. So I’m here now and it’s after 8pm and I realise that my entire day has been pretty much eating disordered focused and I can’t think to get the work done that I wanted to get done tonight.
Who the hell has the time for this?
The thing is I get pissed at it, but I know that tomorrow (minus the therapy session) it’s just going to happen again. It’s unbelievably boring and consuming and entirely heart-breaking.
I think the difference though between being in recovery and actively engaging in your eating disorder is that in recovery your life is your primary focus, the eating disorder is something that is cannot be centre stage anymore. Whereas when you’re actively engaging in your disorder, life is just something that has to come second, something that you try to fit in when you have a momentary gap. I’m still trying to figure it out because at the moment life and the disorder are both demanding the same amount of attention and that isn’t something sustainable. One of them is going to have give a little and I would really prefer for it to be the eating disorder. I’m invested in building a future now and there are other things that are just as important to me. Making myself smaller is not the only goal that I have. It shouldn’t be a goal at all. Making peace with myself is what I should be doing. Learning to like myself or not hate myself should be another.
I feel as though time is running out and I am running out of steam.
This recovered business better start being a reality very soon because having a life and having a disorder doesn’t work very well together.