I am beginning to feel horribly exposed, as though all my weaknesses and vulnerabilities are out there and people can see right through me.
I’m not trying to be woe me and say that nobody cares because they do. I have some really supportive people in my life and they are trying to help. It’s just that help isn’t helping right now.
My therapist wants to start some body image work, my doctor wants me to consider adding another medication, my cpn keeps mentioning the day hospital. My friends are trying to keep me going. My tutor at Uni has gotten in touch with the disability services to see if they can offer any support.
I’m crumbling and everyone knows it.
All this makes me feel ridiculously pathetic. Part of me wants to just put that smile back on my face and tell them that the worst has passed now. I’m fine! We can all stop panicking and move on.
I can’t lie to them like that though. Partly because I don’t believe in lying and partly because I don’t have the energy to convince anybody of anything.
My usual response would be to extricate myself from the world. Cut off contact with my family and friends. Stop going out. Join a gym. Move into the gym and put everything I have into running on a treadmill until I have to pick myself up off the floor (I don’t even like running on treadmills!). I can’t do that this time though. I have actual responsibilities, not just to other people but to myself. I have a responsibility to ensure that I get through this the life that I will be living is something that I want, something that I’m proud of.
I want to be hopeful but the longer this goes on the harder is to believe that. I feel like I’m constantly flinging myself at brick walls and it just keeps throwing me repeatedly to the ground. I hate that I’m becoming afraid of my own mind, of all that it is capable of.
The eating disorder is happy with this. I think that’s how it works. You try to recover and in response it makes you so unhappy that you begin to isolate yourself and once you’ve succeeded in isolating yourself then it can get its claws back into you because it knows that resisting it is just beyond you. My meals are more of a war then they were, and I suppose some will tell me that it’s good that that at least I’m still eating but honestly it doesn’t feel that way. My snacks have pretty much have got out the window, my meals are more controlled and yet my weight still stays the same. I should be happy that it’s staying the same but some messed up part of me is in despair over it. Then the panic starts to settle in, “What if I have forgotten how to lose weight? What if I can’t do it anymore?”. It hurts to think like this. It hurts to admit it. The need to make myself smaller is overwhelming but so is the need to not have the eating disorder in my life. Anorexia was never my friend and it cost me everything I had except for my being alive and so why do I think that it will change? Why do I keep expecting the Anorexia to stop trying to kill me and instead offer me the comfort that I need? When I’m triggered I tell myself that I miss my eating disorder and how it felt to lose weight and make myself less but then I realise that I cannot miss the eating disorder because I’m still living with it! What I miss is not feeling all the things that I do. What I miss is having something solid to point to and blame for why it hurts “My head hurts and I’m dizzy so that is why I’m not happy”. What I miss is not being torn by two states of being.
My mission this week is to just get through it. Get caught up on my work. Continue to put one foot in front of the other. I can sit this out and when if that fails, my schedule is a little bit insane so hopefully I’ll be too busy to get too wrapped up in myself.
I hope you guys are looking after yourselves xx