I’ve been in a bit of daze all day today and also very tired. There seems to be a need to sleep for quite a while coming upon me and I want to give in to it in the hope that I wake up in the morning and feel like I have some energy back or a little bit refreshed. That would be so nice. Getting from morning to night should not take up this amount of effort.
I am going to keep this post short but I felt like I made some progress today. All those things that I said I needed to say out loud in my post Body Hate, well I said them or at least most of them. I had therapy this morning and I talked about how much my body image is troubling me and she picked up on a pattern that has been happening since I left treatment, which is I get to a certain point that I can tolerate and then that’s it. That’s as far as I can go and I panic and start pushing the numbers down instead. I hadn’t noticed it but it’s true. I guess I can tolerate how uncomfortable it is for so long, but the thing is if I don’t stick with it then I’ll never know if given time I could become comfortable with it. So the idea is that we’re going to start doing some body image work, which when I think about it, I’ve never actually done. I started to do a few sessions when I was leaving the ward but it was very late in the day and we couldn’t really do much. Hopefully it will help change something in me or at least help me understand what it is that’s really wrong and where all these thoughts come from.
Also I had a meeting with Uni mentor person and she’s asked me if I’d emailed my course tutor to let him know what’s been going on for me and I’d told her I had because I really thought I had. Turns out I hadn’t. I’d written it, and pretty sure I hit send and then when he didn’t reply, I just assumed it was because there was nothing to say. I wasn’t really expecting anything from. So I emailed him again to just make sure that I hadn’t emailed him earlier this week, which he confirmed that I hadn’t…so I rewrote it and sent it. His reply was really positive actually (which I kind of knew because he’s a pretty decent guy) and he just told me that he did need to know this, did I want to meet with him and if there is anything he could to do support me then he would. Nice huh?
Last point in my day was that despite thinking my current academic work has turned to shit, I checked in with my lecturer today so she could read the first draft of an assignment and she said it was really good. That it was exactly what she was look for.
Lessons learnt today:
1) Have a little more faith in myself and my capabilities.
2) People want to be there for me and the reason why I feel alone is because I convince myself that I need to do everything on my own and so I shut people out…therefore I need to stop shutting people out.