All the things I should probably say out loud:
We need to talk about what’s happening but I don’t know how to bring it up. You see, the thing is that my thoughts are getting a little bit too messed up and they don’t want to make sense anymore.
Getting up in the morning has become this effort that drains me before the day has even begun that and there isn’t that time between waking and sleeping that I can forget now. I can’t get dressed in the morning without wanting to cry because the sight of my body makes me want to curl up in a ball and never move because all I am is fat… there I said it. I’m fat. The one word that I hardly ever say out loud but has never once been anywhere but at the front of my mind. I don’t know why it matters. I don’t know why I keep dragging the scales out of the bathroom cupboard and torturing myself with the numbers. But I do. I find it hard to put into words how much I hate my body and not just in that casual way of “oh I really hate my body” but in a way that no words could ever come close to describing. I kept thinking it would get easier but it hasn’t. My hate has become my prison and it doesn’t let me forget it either. It’s making it hard to work or be with other people. I can’t even sit comfortably in my flat alone without being self-conscious and aware of it.
I keep telling myself that when I recover then I can lose weight healthily and get the body I want. Only that isn’t recovery is it? I can’t make that logic make sense outside of my own head.
Food is torturing me and it doesn’t care if I eat it or don’t. It never leaves. I try to distract myself from it, try to look at all the wonderful things that I do have in my life but I just feel so…disconnected? At the moment the world is a triggering place and it doesn’t matter how much I try to shield myself from all the external influences that are prone to make people worse but how can I protect myself from the sight of another human being unless I become a recluse? Because everyone is triggering right now. I look at them and then I look at me and I always seem to take up too much space. This comparison game is not a good one to be playing.
I’ve been screwing around with my meals, missing a little here, cutting back a little there but it’s not making me feel any better. The only thing that’s coming out of it is that it makes me tired, makes my bones ache and my thoughts obsessive. Surely that would be enough to stop me? To make me realise that it’s not worth it, that it isn’t going to make me happy or safe or in any way whatsoever better as a person. Only it just makes it all seem so hopeless. I am hopeless and I am tired of trying to be something other than that.
I don’t know what I need from you right now. I don’t know what I am expecting you to say or do but I need something to be said so that I can stop hating myself so much, to remind me that a life with the eating disorder is not one that I want. I feel fat. I feel ashamed. I am in pain. I’m losing my resolve and any self belief. I sit and let bullshit tumble from my lips most of the day, everyday. I’m afraid that I will be the cause of my undoing and I see it happening already and I really don’t want that to happen. That’s my big fear right now…that I’ll lose it all because I’ll stop caring about keeping it. Please! I don’t want to be another statistic. I don’t want to spend my time spinning myself dizzy in this same cycle for another 15 years.
I am able to walk away from everything else, including myself and yet I cannot let this go. I need to stop. Please let me stop.